But it’s possible to be dishonest with ourselves about our own honesty. Yes, we can actually convince ourselves that we’re being open and realistic about a fear, and yet continue right on with our suffering (and wonder why nothing is getting better).

Today’s guest author, Dawn McIntyre reviews this situation and offers some suggestions for real relief.

I’m Facing my Own Fears: Fact or Fiction?
by Dawn McIntyre

Isn’t it so much easier to live life ignoring our fears, hurts and hang-ups? Sometimes, stuffing a fear or hurt down deep inside our heart and mind seems to be a quick and oh-so-simple solution to the turmoil it would otherwise stir up within ourselves.

Why lose composure over something and appear helpless and out of control, when we can easily fool others into believing that we have our act together and our life in order? Worse, to what lengths will we go to trick our own self into thinking that we are impenetrable from life’s trouble and tribulation?

The truth is, we can either hide from our own fears, or we can choose the hard road of facing those fears head on, to reach the healing destination of working through the fearful emotions and wrestling free from the bondage of the lies hidden within those fears.

Let’s back up and unpack this a little. Consider a woman who may have a desire to break free from a particular relationship that she feels may be controlling, yet she is afraid of that person’s response to her sudden sense of independence. This could be a friendship, a romantic relationship, or a family member, but we women are particularly vulnerable to the fear of losing a relationship with someone we love.

So let’s imagine. This woman might have never learned to set healthy boundaries with other people before, and she is in the habit of placing the interests of others before her own – beyond selflessly serving the needs of others in a way that is fulfilling and life-giving. She allows her fear of losing relationships to supersede her deep-hearted longings and beliefs that are perhaps not in synch with that other individual’s thoughts and opinions. So, she foregoes voicing her true desires for the more satisfying feeling of agreeing with and maintaining harmony with those around her.

She might not speak up when she would rather see a different movie, or perhaps she won’t correct a friend for always interrupting her in conversation. Maybe, even though she desires to start a coffee shop, she instead, goes to medical or law school to please the desires of her parents. Sounds more comfortable, right? And more lifeless.

There are so many additional examples of fears that hold us back: fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of embarrassment.

Part of the beauty of life is that we all have fears. It’s a human condition and one aspect of life that ties people together across differences in background, upbringing, race, age wage and creed. How is this beautiful, you ask? Because rather than living in a perfect movie script or happy-ending storybook, we have the opportunity to develop our full potential by breaking through these fear barriers and becoming great achievers.

More importantly, we have the chance to develop deep and fulfilling relationships with others by being honest about our pain and working through the healing process together. We can trust in knowing that our Creator God made us for deep relationship with others, and only He can bring glory out of something painful.

Fears can actually drive us to build strength in our hearts, and understand the difficult path that others take to overcome challenges – because we have been down that same rocky road before them. This is what a relationship based on love – rather than fear – looks like.

By recognizing and then acknowledging our inner fears (rather than ignoring them), we can take the first steps towards acting in the face of fears. When you know that you are moving toward something that is good and meaningful, but your fear is standing in your way, then you have an honorable reason to take courage and push through that obstacle. Give yourself permission to excuse the fear that is attempting to hold you back from your full potential and go positively impact the world around you!

Dawn McIntyre, Professional Spiritual Intuitive, is an expert in leading men and women into higher states of expansion and beauty consciousness. Join her on the Boldly Beautiful exclusive member’s community at http://www.boldlybeautiful.com for daily interaction and guidance in manifesting your beautiful life, from the inside out.

Facing your fear, looking it straight in the eye, that’s NOT when it’s dangerous. Fears only become a hazard to you when you turn your back, try to ignore them, and allow them to keep biting you in the a**.

But the moment you turn around, examine that fear with a clinical, objective mind, and see it for the cheap little bully it really is – well, that’s the moment you begin to reclaim your power. As Emerson said, “Do the thing and have the power.”

Our background and experience will have a strong influence on the meanings we attach to even the most common of words. We all run into this from time to time, then laugh about it later (usually).

Today, guest columnist Peter Vajda zeros in on the meanings of friend and friendship, and how those meanings may have shifted while most of us were looking the other way. In fact, he invites us to think more closely…

About Friendship and Burgers
By Peter Vajda, Ph.D, C.P.C.

The New Oxford American Dictionary has announced its 2009 Word of the Year: unfriend. If you’re not familiar with the Ins and Outs of social networking, or don’t have children, it means: “to remove someone as a ‘friend’ on a social networking site such as Facebook.” The dictionary offers the example: “I decided to unfriend my roommate on Facebook after we had a fight.”

The etymologists and lexicographers can argue the merits of unfriend vs. de-friend, or the verb vs. adjectival form. I’m curious about the deeper psycho-emotional-spiritual experience of “unfriending.”

When you unfriend someone, there’s no dialogue, no conversation and no discussion. You choose their name, click on a command and – poof! – your friend(ship) is instantaneously deleted. As for how your “friend” reacts when they find out, I guess that’s their problem. Such is the nature of online friendship. In and out – quick and easy. As for connection, trust and intimacy? Those seem to be superfluous.

So, here we go again. The arguments supporting how one can so easily create community, connection and communion in social networks, where deep trust and intimacy become the glue that binds one’s friendships again appear specious – arguments proffered by those who have some underlying emotional/egoic need to offer them.

Intimacy Vs. the Mundane

From what I read, hear and observe on social networks, true and real intimacy, connection and communion are the exception that prove the rule. Friendship for most is, at best, casual. The banal, desultory, and mundane exchanges, or the rehashing and back-and-forth of everyday ideas and information in an effort to
….. (1) connect,
….. (2) feel seen and appreciated,
….. (3) massage one’s ego,
….. (4) feel secure and un-abandoned or
….. (5) disengage from what one should really be engaged in,
are not the stuff of True and Real Friendship.

How and why would I choose to delete a “friend” in the blink of an eye? And what is that friendship like in the first place? What’s the foundation on which I’ve built such a friendship? Intimacy, trust, and connection? Doubtful.

As loudly as one argues, True and Real Friendship cannot be created over the ethers. The appearance and perhaps momentary “connection” that one feels with an online “relationship” is no different from a real-time “long-distance” relationship. And we know that many if not most long distance relationships don’t work out in the long run, especially when the two partners eventually come face to face for the long term. Why?

Personal-ness

In a word – personal-ness. The one most-important building block of a conscious, healthy and strong relationship is emotional connection – the emotional connection that kicks in when two folks are sitting face-to-face, knee-to-knee, eye-to-eye and heart-to-heart. An emotional connection – the good, the bad and the ugly – that arises when “physical space and contact” are the ground of connection – a ground that, for all intents and purposes, is lacking in social networking.

That’s not to say a “feel-good” emotional substitute is impossible; it’s not; but it is a substitute – the type of “feel-good” feeling one might experience in the initial throes of an affair, or when ensconced in an alcohol or drug “high.” But it’s not the True and Real interpersonal-ness that occurs in personal connection – thus, one major reason one experiences little to no remorse or discomfort in “unfriending” someone. The “void” makes it easy. There is no True and Real emotional or “human” connection in a “void.” In fact, there is no True and Real Friendship with the “friend” one is “unfriending.” Imaginary or superficial friendship, perhaps; but that’s all.

Oh, and the Kicker?

Burger King has just unveiled its new offering – the Angry Whopper. BK has aligned with Facebook, creating an application to help promote its new burger. Instead of encouraging folks to join Facebook, and create new “friends,” Burger King’s new Whopper Sacrifice Application offers you a free Whopper if you “defriend” ten folks from your friend list. Friends and friendship – so elusive, ephemeral and expendable.

The spiritualist Joan Borysenko writes: “We cannot serve at a distance. We can only serve that to which we are profoundly connected, that which we are willing to touch.”

Without heart-felt, intimate and True and Real emotional connection, friends and friendship will continue to erode into superficial, casual contacts – “friends” that we would just as easily “defriend” for a burger! Pass the ketchup, please.

How sad!

So, some questions for self-reflection are:

• How do you generally communicate with folks at work? In person or electronically (even when in-person is very do-able)? How about with your partner/spouse or children during the day?
• How do you differentiate between True and Real friends and casual friends?
• Do you have trust issues with any of your friends?
• Are you usually emotionally available when folks need you? Are your friends emotionally there for you?
• Have you “dropped” a friend, or been “dropped”  by a friend recently? Why? What was that like for you?
• Do you ever feel lonely, isolated or depressed?
• All things being equal, if you had the chance, would you tell your online friends when you’re coming to their city or town and ask to see them in person? If they came to your town, would you invite them to dine with your family? If not, why not?
• Do you avoid face-to-face conversations?
• In what other ways do you avoid emotional connection with others?
• Are you addicted to Twitter, Facebook or other social networking sites?
• Do you have more online friends than “real-time” friends? If so, why?

SpiritHeart – Coaching for Essential Well-BE-ing
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Back to Charles:
So it may be that all this casual electronic “friending and unfriending” is simply a symptom of what’s going on at the face-to-face level. Go back over those final questions and see if the way you relate to friends personally is significantly different from how you relate to online acquaintences.

If your two modes – offline and online – are not different, which way is it? Are you a long-term friend maker or a short-term one? In all honestly, I don’t know if there’s a right or a wrong answer here, because for as long as I can remember, I’ve seen some people consistently make short-term friends while others tended to hang on to their friends for the long haul. My father was a short-termer and my mom was a long-termer.

Their typical descriptions of each other were: “She’s clingy and needy” (not particularly true), and “He doesn’t give a damn about anybody” (also not entirely accurate). They just had differing expectations and needs.

When I first moved to Japan, I had a best friend, John, who was always telling fascinating stories about his experiences traveling the world. He’d had many friends over the years and could keep us spellbound with his tales. One day I asked about one of those friends who featured in many of his stories. “Where is he now?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” John shrugged, “I haven’t seen him in years.”

I became curious, so over the next few weeks, as John told his adventures, I casually asked about each of the friends he mentioned. He didn’t know where any of them were. He’d lost touch with every one of them.

Later, John moved to a new place across Tokyo, but didn’t give anybody his new address. I managed to track him down, contacted him, and went to see him. As we talked, he casually said, “Oh I never contact the old crowd. I figure if they want to keep knowing me, they’ll do what you did and find me.” This was before the Internet, so the throwaway friends attitude is not really all that new.

If you’re a short-term friendship kind of person, there are probably reasons you don’t form deep, lasting relationships, and those reasons probably make perfect sense to you. They may or may not be keeping you from greater satisfaction, but until you examine what’s happening in your mind and in your life, you won’t ever feel a need to change anything.

On the other side of the relationship, maybe you’ve had someone abruptly disappear from your life with no explanation. If you tend to form deep emotional ties, this can feel like betrayal. It can even trigger a period of grieving as your emotions adjust to the void their passing leaves in your life.

What’s changed the most these days seems to be the casual, almost jaunty way this discarding is encouraged, with Burger King’s angry burger being a particularly insensitive case.

Again, I’m not saying either way is right or wrong, but it sure helps to understand that the other person’s definition of friendship can differ wildly from yours.

That way, if you’re a friend keeper, the next time you find yourself dealing with someone who may discard friends easily, at least you can be prepared and not be crushed when they abruptly unfriend you and disappear forever.

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles

And every other week, it seems, somebody comes out with a new “system” for classifying and codifying human behavior. Of course, not all systems are created equal. Some are simply less accurate than others. What do I mean by accurate? Just this.

If you can learn the system, then go out in the real world and dependably predict what the various types of people will do in certain situations, then you have a tool that helps people get along and understand each other more successfully.

Unfortunately, most so-called systems are pretty hard to use unless you have a strong technical background in psychology, or in sales or the like.

Today, guest columnist Russ Hamel shares with us a new system for understanding personalities, which truly is usable by us ordinary mortals. But I warn you, Russ does use some pretty colorful language here.

That’s Not You… So Why Do You Act Like That?
By Russ Hamel

Why Did He Do That?

The first time Ug slugged Iggy over the head with his club, two things immediately happened. Obviously Iggy shrieked, “UGA-UGA” which is caveman speak for “Ouch-ee-wow-wa!” The second thing that happened is that Iggy wondered, “WHY did he DO that?”

Thus began the study of human nature and interactions. Since the beginning of time, people have longed to understand the behavior of others. Over days, weeks, months and years, with enough observation, predictable patterns became evident. Iggy noticed that whenever she did something Ug didn’t like, Ug would slug her over the head with his club. Ug saw that whenever he slugged Iggy over the head with his club, she ALWAYS reacted the same way:

….. * Iggy rubbed her head and screamed “UGA-UGA”

….. * She demanded to know WHY Ug did that to her (as if she didn’t already know)

….. * She usually plotted and deployed some type of revenge when he least expected it

Throughout the ensuing millennia, this cycle continued, growing in complexity often involving entire groups and nations of people. Yes, nations – like individuals – have distinct personalities and characteristics which are accurate predictors in recurring situations. History truly does repeat itself!

Who Told You I’m Like That?

While the need to understand human behavior is hard-wired into each of us, there have been only a handful of folks in history who have made it a lifelong study. Hippocrates (circa 400 BC) was one of the first philosophers to document his observations of human behavior into four categories with labels such as Phlegmatic, Choleric, Melancholic and Sanguine (say WHAT?). Hyper-fast forward to the 20th century with the work of Carl Jung, Isabel Myers and Katherine Briggs, as well as personality and temperament typing pioneers David Kiersey and Marylin Bates, and you’ll see the similar use of four main categories.

However, unless you’re deeply entrenched in the study of philosophy and psychology, these highly revered works are mostly lost on the common man without proper interpretation.

UNTIL…

…Don Lowry and his incredibly simplified, yet astonishingly accurate, ‘True Colors’. Introduced in 1978, True Colors has finally put within reach of every person the answers to their most pressing question, “Why do people behave the way they do?” No longer do you need a degree in philosophy and/or psychology. Don delivers his message in a most interesting, informative and entertaining way… and in plain language that even a grade-schooler can understand.

Maggie and I are like kids with new toys at Christmas whenever either one of us discovers another personality study tool. Because she is studying to be a career counselor, Maggie has been exposed to many more personality assessment materials than I ever could imagine existed. When she brought home True Colors, we found ourselves using it on EVERYBODY, even on the characters in the movies and TV shows we watched.

However, the most convincing part for me was that with Maggie’s skillful counseling, I was finally able to understand MY OWN behaviors. That’s how I KNOW that the work of True Colors is stunningly authentic. I’ll have lots of stories and examples to share as this series progresses.

You Don’t Really Know Me

One of the most controversial conversations Maggie and I have had surrounds gift-giving. The tradition of her Chinese culture is to give something they perceive is of highest value, whether or not the recipient will actually appreciate or use the item.

For example, as a music teacher, I receive gifts from my students particularly around Christmas, my birthday and other special occasions. One adult Asian student in particular made it a regular practice to give me an expensive Swarovsky Crystal piece each year for five consecutive years. A quick check in my local jewelry store priced these gifts at no less than $75 each!

Call me crazy but…

I gave each of those pieces away to someone who appreciated and treasured them. (Of course, I never revealed to my student what I did with those gifts. As far as she knows, I still have them on display in a hermetically sealed curio case at home.) However, to me these pieces were merely dust collectors… clutter. When I told Maggie, she was absolutely horrified that I could be so callous and cruel. Some of you may be thinking the very same thing now as well.

Yes, when it comes to home decor, I am a bare-wall minimalist. But before you fence me in and label me as a non-collector and a totally unappreciative jerk, allow me to show you my hard drive full of downloaded eBooks and information, most of which I’ve never read and probably never will. Had my student taken the time to find out what I valued – information, especially in the form of personal development books and home-study courses – I’d be singing her praises today.

How Will YOU Use These Tools?

Some skeptics will quickly write this off as just another over-generalized ‘system’ of interpreting human behavior, to be lumped in with horoscopes and fortune cookies. That’s just it though… humans have a need to put things into compartments – little fenced in areas to be isolated and quarantined.

One of the dangers with categories is that many people will use them to pigeon-hole and stereotype others. It’s true that we have predominant tendencies both by nature and nurture. But people are far too complex to be labelled simply as one thing or another.

The ‘True Color’ system is divided into four main categories: Blue, Gold, Orange and Green. Each has its own unique attributes. Here are some things to keep in mind before you are tempted to use the categories to fence people in:

• Everyone has their own unique combination of ALL four colors.
• While we have one – and more often two – of the colors that are dominant, on any given day and in diverse situations the least dominant colors may come shining through.
• People are extremely complex with many variables, two of the most common being introvert vs. extrovert. The color interpretations are quite different between just these two variables.
• The way people interact with one color combination vs. another can be perceived as different. Of course you’ve seen this with yourself and with people you know… you may be stifled and reserved with one person, and completely comfortable and relaxed with another.

On With the Show…

You get the idea. The list of variables is as endless as there are people. Therefore, keep in mind that ‘True Colors’ or any personality dimension assessment tool is just that… a tool to assist you in understanding another person.

Now that we’ve covered a brief history of the study of human behavior, as well as the cautions against using the tools to label and corral people, we are ready to move on to the good stuff. Our next article will explore the color of the highest percentage of people on the planet, Blue. There’s a good chance you’ll ‘discover’ yourself there and perhaps for the first time in your life, understand WHY you are the way you are.

All the best from Toronto,
Russ and Maggie

The world can seem like a crazy place sometimes…
OK, a LOT of the time! However, no matter what is going on in your life, magic happens when you learn how to choose better feelings now!
You’re Gonna Love That Feeling

Back to Charles:
Eager to find out more about this color coded system? Ready to understand more about yourself and other people? Then stick around. Russ will return shortly with the next installment in this series.

And as he opens up the rainbow of humanity before us, we’ll be able to gain a greater appreciation for all types of folks.

What happens when understanding comes is that fear and mistrust quickly exit out the back door, leaving us more open to others. Pretty good reason for acquiring knowledge, isn’t it?

So I leave you with this question – how would you be living your life if there were no longer any trace of mistrust of others within you? It may take some effort, some real stretching of your mind on this one, but follow this one as far out as you can. How WOULD you be living?

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles

Today’s guest author Wayne C. Allen gives us an inside look at the secret, hidden motivators in our relationships. These are the desires, intents and hungers that we can’t own up to, but that keep us tied into painful knots.

FINDING YOUR WAY
By Wayne C. Allen

Good communicators will ask their partner, “What was your intent in asking me that?” It’s also a legitimate question for you to ask yourself. Just don’t stop too soon. Because intent is often not what you first think it is.

A good example of what I’m talking about is found in the first illustration in my “Relationships” booklet. There, I describe a couple who have been in relationship for two years. Here’s what I wrote:

A couple was in my office the other day . . . young folk, together two years, and the passion, sexual play and fun had escaped from their marriage. The woman said: “He lied to me. When we started dating, he hugged me and kissed me and wanted sex all the time. Now, he never tells me he loves me, won’t hug or kiss me, and most of the time he’s not interested in sex.”

I asked her how she felt. She indicated that she felt angry, thinking she was cheated and unloved. She told me that her response to these feelings was to refuse sex when he did get around to asking, an interesting form of punishment quaintly known as “Cutting off one’s nose to spite one’s face.”

I then asked the man for his version of all of this. He replied: “I grew up in a home where you didn’t touch or tell people you love them. I come home every night. I bring her my pay cheques. I don’t gamble or fool around. That should be enough for her to know that I love her. I don’t mind if she hugs me or kisses me, but I forget to do it to her. I’d really rather watch the Blue Jays.”

I asked him about her recollections about their early dating days. “She’s right,” he replied. “I did do all of those things in the beginning. I wanted her to like me. Once I got her, I figured I could go back to being who I really am.”

Now, as far as intent goes, the guy knew what his game was from square one. He thought she was cute and sexy and fun, did what he had to do to get her into relationship AND his intent was to have a cute, sexy wife bring him cheezies and beer while he watched hockey, preferably for the rest of his life, preferably without complaint.

Not being a fool, he didn’t tell her of his intent. He now says his intent is for her to love him for being a good provider, coming home, not screwing around, being a good boy. He’s open about this one.

She, on the other hand, had a clear and revealed intent. She wanted to get married to a cute, sexy guy who would love to make love all day long. She thought she had met her intent in him. She hadn’t.

Things Do Change

Now, she has a new intent.

On the surface, it’s, “I just want him to acknowledge that he’s hurt me.” (Of course we all know she’s hurting herself, but this article is about intent …) When I asked her to dig deeper into her intent, she said, “I want him to know what it’s like to be home all day and then be ignored all night.” When I asked a third time, she yelled, “I want him to pay! He deceived me! I’m going to get even. I’m never having sex with him again.”

Response Number 3 was the actual intent. The other two were polite descriptions for public consumption.

Jennifer Sass has produced a great set of videos of Ben & Jock doing a Relationships workshop. I was watching them Monday, for the second time and noted this one couple. His approach to conflict was to lock himself in his room for a long, long time. He’d hear his wife passing outside; she’d talk through the door, wondering if he’d died of starvation. When first asked, he said his intent was for his wife to ask him “What’s wrong?”

She indicated she did that – he would reply, “Nothing.” He then said his intent was to see how long he could hole up in his room. Make her feel guilty, he thought. Finally, after they’d talked a lot, he revealed his true intent. He wanted her to come to him and say, “I’m sorry. You are completely right, and I am completely wrong.” As she quickly indicated, and he secretly knew, that was never going to happen.

With the real intent out in the open, he could choose to give up a behaviour that has no chance of succeeding. Unexpressed, he might continue to hope that just once it might work.

Old Enough to Know Better – Not

Often, parents whose children are now adults have a need, an intent, to remind their kids that they are the parents. My parents are in their late 80′s, and I’m nearing 50. When I suggest that some behaviour or decision of theirs might not be clear, I often hear, “You shouldn’t speak to your mother that way.” My language is equal to what I would say to a client or to Dar, and is very clear. Their intent is also clear. They do not hear me – they simply want to remind me of “my place.”

Despite denials, clients often are intending to keep their kids dependent. The kid (age 35) comes home for a visit. Gets home one night at 3 am, and gets “told” the next morning. When I ask the parent for intent, I get, “He’s just so inconsiderate. I was awake all night waiting for him.” I ask if the person ever has guests (not their kids) stay over. “Of course.” Do you care when they come in? “No.” I express confusion. “Well, they’re not my son, and he’s been doing this since he was a teen.”

I ask for intent. “I just want him to get it. I want him to grow up and be considerate.” In other words, I want him to be a good little boy and behave himself. I press onward. Exasperation. “I want him to know how tough it was to be his mother. He isn’t grateful enough for all I did for him.” One more push. “I want him to behave exactly like I imagine him behaving, defer to my wishes for him, apologize profusely when I criticize him, (which is my role in life) and be adoringly grateful for all my sacrifices.”

Well, no, no one has ever admitted to that last one, but I suspect it’s there. Otherwise, why would parents keep treating their adult children like petulant teens? They seem unwilling to let their kids grow up and be who they are. No matter what they say their intent is. Their actions (which describe the real, deep intent) is to “smarten up their rebellious child.”

There are many types of hidden intent. I just flashed on the song, “All I want to do is make love to you,” – another primary, but buried intent. It’s clear, if we are honest with ourselves, that some or much of our behaviour with members of the sex to whom we are attracted has sex as an unspoken intent.

Beware the ‘Just’ Person

Rage and revenge are often hidden intents. We noted this above, but let’s say it again. Many people want to get even when they hurt themselves over the behaviour of another. Being “polite,” they may say something like “I just want her to be nicer,” or “I just want him to acknowledge me as a person.”

When I hear “just,” I cringe. There’s nothing “just” about it.

Many times, when I ask clients to go deeper into their intent, they begin to list an endless list of their partner’s sins. Years worth of stuff. I’ll hear, “When my partner makes amends for all of this, then I’ll consider letting up. Until then, I’ll just keep complaining.” Doesn’t match, at all, with “I just want him to talk to me more.” It does match with, “I haven’t extracted my pound of flesh yet.”

My point is that people often state shallow intents and pretend they are true. “I just want my children to be strong and independent” masks “But I want them always to come home to me so I can tell them what to do.” “I just want a better relationship” masks “I’m going to make him/her behave by turning him/her into the man/woman s/he ought to be, or else.” “I just tell her this for her own good.” masks “She should know, intuitively, that I have all the answers regarding the way this relationship ought to be done. She’d be so much happier doing it my way.”

Once we openly and honestly begin to explore and share our intentions, we can see how ridiculous, manipulative and destructive many of the deep ones are. We can then begin to surface intentions that are simple and direct. “My intent is to deepen my relationship with you, by being open and honest and vulnerable.” “My intent is to own and express my attempts to manipulate you.” “My intent is to treat you as an equal adult, not as a/an (object, sex object, kid, enemy, etc.)”

Look, this week, at your intentions as you communicate, as you relate. Vigorously go deeper than the surface intent. See what else might be lurking under the surface. Wonder at what penalty you’re trying to extract. Then, share what you’ve learned. And work towards letting go of intentions that separate and divide.

Wayne C. Allen is a practicing psychotherapist and author of Half Asleep in the Buddha Hall, a Zen based guide to living life fully and deeply, filled with Zen stories old and new, as well as other illustrations and exercises. Visit Wayne’s Phoenix Centre website and his blog today.
You’ll find more of Wayne’s articles by clicking here.

Back to Charles:
Got something going on in your relationship that makes no sense and has been frustrating you for weeks, months or years? If so, maybe it’s time to take Wayne’s advice and dig deeper into your own intent – the real one. Once you begin burrowing down into the stuff you’re ashamed to admit, even to yourself, you’re almost certainly on the right track.

That’s the stuff which, once your attention is drawn to it, makes you cringe at your own pettiness, your vindictiveness, your selfishness. Painful to confront, true, but till you grab it by the scruff of the neck and haul it out into the light of day, it’ll continue to run your life, keeping you dissatisfied, hurting and confused.

Yes, I know you’d much rather explore your past lives as Cleopatra and Charlemagne. But let’s be honest here. Your weaknesses and your avoidance behavior is where the action is today, right here and now. That’s more likely to be holding you back. Grapple first with that, get the skut work out of the way, and then we can go out and play, okay?

How about it? Are you game?

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles