A Prayer Across the Chasm

Shock fell heavily across the American continent on Tuesday, and it continues to roll outward in a black, morbid wave, spreading across the consciousness of the world’s people

The last few days have shown us terrible hatred and the results it spawns.

We hear stories of people who hate the United States so bitterly that they rejoice to give up their lives if it will cause hurt to this country and to its people. Their bitter and hated enemy, the USA, is termed The Great Satan. And killing its people is a holy act that will win them automatic admittance to paradise.

In America, now, we’re hearing vows of vengeance. Cold, icy rage is being expressed.

“Only an insane person could conceive such heinous acts,” we hear. “Only madmen could carry them out,” many people are saying.

Some are calling for military attacks, even before it is clear who was involved, or the extent of that involvement, in perpetrating this tragedy.

True, it is tempting to lash out at the first obvious targets. “There are names, people who we know are terrorists, and they almost certainly had a hand in this. But even if they didn’t participate this time, they’re guilty of other terroristic acts, so they should be punished anyway. Let’s go bomb somebody into the stone age. Let’s do it now.” These are some of the comments we hear coming from some outraged Americans.

But isn’t this the same thinking that mobilizes lynch mobs? Irrespective of guilt or innocence, how would a quick, angry bombing raid differ from a hanging party?

Other, cooler heads are urging caution, patience, careful investigation. They argue a need to treat any military action as a surgical procedure. Carefully, meticulously, but with the same ruthless coolness that a doctor cuts out a tumor that endangers a patient’s life.

There is some merit to this second approach.

The entire Arab world is not the enemy of Americans.

Nor are all Muslims.

Islam is a noble and great religion. But tragically, it is being hijacked by some for vicious ends, exactly as those four airliners were hijacked and used for destruction.

So the voices calling for immediate and broad-based retribution need to be calmed so that we can carefully and clearly identify our enemies. But just as carefully identify the friends who stand with us

We have seen news footage of people here and there around the world celebrating our grief. Exultation and jubilation greeted the sad news in several parts of the world.

Have you not paused for even a moment to wonder why those people hate us so bitterly? What do they see when they look at our country? What do they see when they gaze at you? At me?

What do they see? Why are they so glad of our suffering?

Is it not time to open real channels of dialog so that we can learn what their problem with us might be? Such strong emotions don’t happen in a vacuum.

Have our elected and appointed officials caused terrible things to be done to them? Are there wrongs – genuine wrongs – that need to be righted?

If there are, could we not try to find out what they are and somehow, no matter how small the steps, begin the process of healing this difference?

It takes a great hatred to build such a great schism. Perhaps an even greater love and understanding will be needed to quench that hatred and to heal it.

Is it possible?

I believe that the political and military voices advising caution and care in our retribution may be buying us enough time to begin some part of this healing process. I hope they will.

The tools these people hold in their hands are far more frightening than ever before in history. Cool heads MUST prevail or we all face dire consequences.

Can we not turn to our neighbors and simply ask them, “Please tell us what you see when you look at us with such hatred? What have we done? What CAN we do?”

My prayer.

Charles

“No right-minded person would behave that way,” we tell ourselves… and anybody else who’ll listen.

Unfortunately, we’re not quite right, ourselves. “Right-minded,” as it turns out, is a bit of a fuzzy concept. It’s hard to nail down because everybody we ask has a different idea what it means. And if we pay close enough attention, we may even notice that each person’s definition is skewed in their own favor.

Welcome to the birthplace of intolerance.

Offsetting that attitude skew is the ability of most people to accommodate some leeway in what’s “right” and acceptable in other people’s behavior. This is a good thing. It means most people never develop into fanatics, zealots or inquisitors.

You’ve probably heard the old phrase: “it’d be a boring world if everybody were the same.” Well, everybody is not the same, so there’s no danger of boredom setting in just yet.

Continuing the True Colors series this week, guest columnist Russ Hamel gives us clearer insights into that quiet guy in the office who’s a bit of a loner and who actually enjoys his own company, the Green personality.

If Only They Would Leave Me ALONE!
By Russ Hamel

Kermit the Frog Was Right…

It’s NOT easy being Green!

As citizens of this wonderful planet Earth, Greens have to face the sometimes agonizing fact that there are other people with whom they must interact on a far too frequent basis. The Greenest of Greens go through life thinking, “Things would be so much better if only they would leave me alone!”

Of course, there are many shades of Green. However, even the lightest tones will show a preference – even a need – for at least some time to themselves. Being predominantly Green myself, I can vouch for this fact. I get antsy, impatient and even grumpy when I’m around people – no matter how many – for too long, unless we are totally in sync with one another as my wife Maggie and I are. I absolutely NEED at least an hour or two of daily quiet, alone time.

I’ve been like this since my earliest recollections. Growing up in a family of seven kids, I had more than ample opportunity to interact with my siblings and their many friends. However, I was always off by myself, practicing my music or reading and researching things that were of interest to me.

I found great comfort in being alone. Playing with others, and especially having to follow their rules, was extremely difficult. Even in school, I was a “Why Guy”. I questioned everything. “Why did we have to do it THAT way? Heck, why did we even have to do it at all?”

If I didn’t get an answer that appealed to my logic, I withdrew my attention from the activity. What was the point? Of course, I spent a LOT of time in detention for being uncooperative and incorrigible. Unfortunately, the book, “True Colors” wasn’t around back in the 60’s during my formative years.

Interestingly enough, I’m the only one of my siblings to live long-distance from where I grew up. I love my family dearly and I’m in constant communication with them via FaceBook and phone. In many ways, I’m still protecting my personal, private space! Even Maggie lovingly calls me ‘Mr. Green’ when I begin showing my best Green qualities.

Greens are very easy to recognize. With my recent health issues, I’ve been able to observe many doctors and nurses. The Green ones have extremely poor bedside manners, virtually no people skills. Their answers – if they answer you at all – are always abrupt. Their body language suggests that they would much rather be back in their office doing paper work and research… ANYTHING other than dealing with people.

I know the feeling. My little six-year-old step-daughter Ambrosia is now in the ‘Why’ stage of her life. You would think a ‘Why Guy’ like me would understand and patiently answer all of her questions. NOT SO. Like my Green doctors, I have zero tolerance for small talk and almost always defer the little one’s questions to Maggie – or I simply don’t answer.

So, What Good Are Greens to Society?

Greens are tenacious problem solvers. We are always looking for a better way to do things, even if the ‘best’ way is already in place. Routines and systems are the order of the day. Greens LOVE to put things into easy-to-follow, step-by-step systems.

This is perhaps my greatest contribution to my family. All three of my ladies are True Blues – wonderfully sensitive, loving AND… so easily distracted. When Maggie and I first got together, I was appalled at the lack of structure in the home. My ladies were ALWAYS late… I doubted if they even knew what a clock was.

All that changed in a hurry. When Maggie recognized my skill in time management and keeping the girls up to speed, she gratefully handed the duties of ‘Official Keeper of the Clock’ to me. Yes, I constantly have to bark to keep my ladies on schedule. But compared to where things were before I came on the scene, Maggie will agree that it is far superior now.

I have systems and routines in place for EVERYTHING. I explain to the girls that weekday activities before and after school are just like school itself… the bell rings, it’s time for the next item on the routine. For our family, it’s the ONLY way things get done in a timely manner. Weekends are left unstructured. The girls are most grateful for that.

Can You Do It… Yes You Can!

Competence ranks high on Green’s priorities. Both Maggie and I agree that the girls should do as much for themselves as possible. The little one especially is always begging for ‘help’. And because she is so tiny and ‘cute’, she can usually manipulate others to do things for her that she could easily do for herself. Not on MY watch, Baby!

Just the other day, Ambrosia was playing on her computer when she suddenly asked for ‘help’. Both Maggie and I were close by and could have easily offered assistance. As it turned out, the ‘help’ Ambrosia requested was in reading some simple instructions in order to continue with her game. Since she is in first grade and knows enough about reading to sound out even fairly difficult words, Maggie and I told her to figure it out for herself or she would have to shut down the computer and go play something less challenging, like dolls.

Ambrosia never left the computer. Maggie and I can only assume that she did eventually figure it out.

You Call THIS Work?

I remember reading an anecdote about Thomas Edison. One day after seeing her husband working so hard, Edison’s wife Mina asked, “Tommy, why don’t you take a break from your work and do something you like for a change?”

Minutes later, Mina found her Tommy back in his workshop. Before she could protest, Edison anticipated by saying, “You told me to do something I like!”

And that’s EXACTLY how many Greens, myself included, react to their ‘work’. As long as we’re alone, we could be writing, researching, inventing… whatever. Compared to dealing with the world, our ‘work’ isn’t work at all!

Always Raising the Bar

This can be a good Green trait; sometimes it can be detrimental. Before my recent health challenges when I was exercising on a regular basis, everything was measurable and quantifiable. When I went for a run, I had my trusty stop-watch clicking off the time. Every day I pushed myself to reach a new personal best. I HAD to beat my old time by at least a second or two or I would deem myself a failure for that day!

If I did 25 push-ups today, tomorrow I had to do 26+. I was constantly pushing the envelope.

Even today I am forever measuring my recovery from my near-death experience over Christmas time, from my weight gains to how long it takes me to catch my breath after I stretch yesterday’s boundaries. This part of my personality has always concerned Maggie. Although I feign resistance, I have to thank her for keeping me in check as I could easily over-do myself.

Of course, Greens expect everyone else to raise their own personal bars, too. This is something Maggie needs to remind me about as well. Just because I push myself to new heights every day doesn’t mean that everyone else wants to or can do the same thing. As Greens need quiet and alone time, I have to realize that others may also need some down time to relax. Because this appeals to my logic, I find it easy to back off my girls… unless they get too lax, of course.

Cool, Calm and Collected

When Maggie and I first got together, she thought I was one of the most bland, expressionless individuals she had ever met. By contrast, when Maggie has something on her mind, she likes to go toe-to-toe and get answers NOW! I’ve personally experienced her wrath on several occasions and I’ll tell you, a fiery emotional Blue is not someone you want to mess with.

So yes, compared to Maggie, I easily can be read as too laid back and even ‘boring’. Although I do bark at my girls to be on time, most of that is a pre-calculated act. Inside, I delight in making the little ones jump at my commands to MOVE IT!

Otherwise, I like to think that I bring a calming stability into our home. I am definitely more logical than emotional… unless you cut into my quiet, alone time – I’ll quickly let you know about that in no uncertain terms.

Together We Make the BEST Team

I don’t know too many people who can brag about the kind of relationship that Maggie and I have. We seem to have the perfect balance with Maggie’s Blue TLC and my Green structure and organization. Since my secondary color is Blue and Maggie’s secondary color is Gold (closely resembling many of Green’s traits), we easily understand, accept and support each other. We truly have a match made in heaven.

This concludes our brief overview on True Colors. If you are even the least bit interested in what makes people tick, it is a fascinating and a most worthwhile study. (Of course, a Green would say this!) For further reading, check out the following:

“Showing Our True Colors” by Mary Miscicin based on the work by Don Lowry

“Follow Your True Colors To The Work You Love” by Carolyn Kalil and Don Lowry

Both books can be found on Amazon.com, and these links are commissionable affiliate links.

All the best from Toronto,
Russ and Maggie

The world can seem like a crazy place sometimes…
OK, a LOT of the time! However, no matter what is going on in your life, magic happens when you learn how to choose better feelings now!
You’re Gonna Love That Feeling

Back to Charles:
So there we have it – the basic personality types characterized and organized, then symbolized by colors.

Is there a bit of green in you? I must have some of that myself. I’ve always loved my quiet time, ever since I was young. Back then the experts were describing my situation as “latch-key kid.” When I got home from school neither Mom nor Dad was home yet. I had to take care of myself for three hours or more… and it was heaven. I always considered it a wonderful, quiet break from the constant bickering, fighting and sniping that went on once everybody was home.

After reaching adulthood, I found that I didn’t have very good people skills and had to work on developing them deliberately. They didn’t come quite naturally. But I did learn, and now I truly can enjoy being in crowds. Man… that’s a big change.

So these days I don’t feel the need for quiet as strongly as I did back then, but my home life is far more peaceful. Even so, I do spend much of my day at the computer without face-to-face interaction for hours at a time.

How about you? What’s your color? (Sounds a bit like a pickup line in a bar, doesn’t it?)

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles

Maybe it’s time to pause for a moment and question how we got to this point. So how DID we come to be so collectively angered at one another? Every single day the news media are saturated with violence and savagery. Movies, books and video games are overflowing with beatings, battles and body counts. Are those a symptom or a cause… or a little of both?

Today’s guest columnist Peter Vajda has some ideas about this. In fact, he suggests we take a second look at all that anger, and unexpectedly, to do it through a filter of love.

Anger – Show Me the Love
By Peter Vajda, Ph.D, C.P.C.

Anger is a human emotion, ranking up there with fear as the most common emotion. Curiously, anger is often an unconscious expression of the need for contact. Strange, but true.

Our innate essence is composed of three subtle energies – love, intelligence and power. We manifest anger when we sense a lack in one of these three energies. Here, we’ll consider the energy of love.

Anger is a form of aggression and aggression is a movement toward another entity – person, group, life, God, etc. However anger is never – ever – about the other, as much as we like to blame others to justify our anger. It is always about “me” and how I’m feeling about “me” in this moment. While we project our anger on to another, it’s important to look for what needs to be acknowledged in me – taking back my projection and looking inward. All projections we direct towards others are in essence about “me.” Understanding and learning the lessons of anger fuel our emotional and spiritual growth and development.

Anger is an expression of a “need unfulfilled.” So, when enveloped in anger, the question to ask is, “What do I want or need?” Too, fear is often a correlate of anger so we can also inquire, “What am I afraid of?”

Commonly, when we’re angry we’re consciously or unconsciously reacting to some feeling of lack or inadequacy. Often this lack pertains to power, control, recognition, security, knowledge, or love. When we inquire within to discover and explore what’s underneath our anger, we can use our anger as a doorway into a deeper issue that is bothering us. Anger is never the issue; it’s a symptom of something deeper.

For many, the feeling of lack or deficiency accompanying anger has to do with a sense of real, potential or perceived loss – e.g., a loved one, a job, a connection, health, wealth, privacy or “loss of face”, etc.

For many, anger is an often unconscious expression of loss of love (or relatedly, recognition, acknowledgment, approval). When we feel unloved, our anger is actually a calling out for love. Our call for love, i.e., our anger, comes from our feeling rejected, betrayed, abandoned, unappreciated, or unseen. What we want and need is love.

On an emotional and spiritual plane, anger is a form of disconnect – our disconnect from our self. Our ego personality is disconnected from our soul, our Authentic Self. In addition, we may feel disconnected on a social level and this disconnection results from a lack of intimacy – i.e., it’s not about not having friends, it’s about the lack of a deeper, intimate soul connection with others – the reason many feel isolated, lonely or depressed even while in the midst of an online or “real time” social network.

Anger is a common reaction to heartbreak, rejection, even simple disagreements, by those whom we love or value, or by the loss of others.

Anger is an acting out, directed toward others, and often towards those who are not directly involved. Our anger is a sign we’re hurt and more, a sign that we are seeking healing. Anger tells us we are separate from what used to be our source of strength and love.

Love, then, is a form of connection, first to our self, then to others. Connection to our True Self, our Authentic Self is what nourishes, nurtures and feeds our sense of aliveness, worth, esteem and value. Love – connection – is what gives meaning to our life and supports us to feel we have something to contribute.

So, when we feel angry, it’s important to re-connect with our inner source of strength and love. Too, we also need to move through our angry feelings and reach out to others whom we can love. Anger will never – ever – get us love. Disconnection never attracts.

The secret sauce of connection is love and caring. And connection is what supports us to feel genuinely loved and empowered. Love transcends our personal limitations in the moment and connects us to our soul. When we express love, we are able to move out of our emotional/limbic/reactive brain and rest in a place of true caring and concern for our self and others.

So, some questions for self-reflection are:

• Do you live by the mantra, “I’d rather be right than happy?”
• How is anger manifested in your home or work environment?
• Does your work or home environment trigger your anger buttons? How so?
• What emotional beliefs underlie your anger?
• What person, place, or issue creates the greatest feelings of anger or resentment in you. What is it about that person or situation that gets you angry most?
• What is your emotional belief behind that anger?
• How do you express your anger? What physical symptoms do you experience when you’re angry?
• How do you deal with your anger?
• When you become angry do you ever consider what you’re lacking or what you’re afraid of? If not, could you do that the next time you feel angry?
• When someone is angry with you, do you ever respond with love? Do you ever ask them what they’re needing or fearing? If not, could you do that the next time someone becomes angry with you?
• What was your (family’s) experience around anger like when you were growing up?

SpiritHeart – Coaching for Essential Well-BE-ing
— at the intersection of body, mind, emotion and spirit
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Phone: 770.804.9125 (Atlanta, GA, USA)
E-mail: pvajda [AT] spiritheart [DOT] net
www.spiritheart.net and www.ahchiyo.com
“What makes you think work and meditation are two different things?”
— Buddha at Work

If you’ve been following this series of articles, you may have already recognized some of your friends and family members – maybe even yourself.

Today guest contributor Russ Hamel continues as he draws back the veil to reveal the “Orange” personality, with all its charming and not-so-charming characteristics.

How to Be a Most Unfit Dad
By Russ Hamel

If Gold is Night, Orange is Day

The two previous men in Maggie’s life – her first husband, followed by a four-year relationship with a much younger man – could not have been more different than night and day. Her husband was a true Gold. His primary color, while it seemed to have many great family-man features often manifested in smothering control. By the end of their marriage, that smothering control had turned into outright abuse.

Maggie was still going through child custody issues and brought her daughter to weekly Children’s Aid sessions when she met Mr. Orange. She definitely was NOT looking for another relationship at this time. However, true to his Orange color characteristics, he turned on his charm and swept Maggie off her feet.

At first, she was flattered that someone so young would take an interest in her. Mr. Orange was 12 years her junior. However, Maggie being a petite and gorgeous Asian woman, looked much younger than her years should have revealed. After being in such a stifling, controlling relationship, the thought of taking up with Mr. Orange seemed kind of fun… if not a bit risky and naughty. Mr. Orange made Maggie feel like a school girl again and she found herself reveling in the feeling.

Don’t Fence Me In

As with most new relationships, things were terrifically fun for the first few months. Maggie found herself doing adventurous things with Mr. Orange that she could never have even dreamed of with her ex-husband. For once, she was having the time of her life!

Soon enough though, truth showed up. Maggie was a responsible woman with a young child and a stable job. With her new relationship, she was expecting her partner to settle down and become more of a family man, contributing to the common cause with his own work. That’s when she discovered Mr. Orange’s real traits.

Oranges can be perceived as slackers. This was one of the first things Maggie noticed. Even though he was a bright enough guy, her Mr. Orange took very menial jobs such as parking cars. But because Maggie was so stable, he found it all too easy to call in sick or even quit his job when he no longer felt like working.

Mr. Orange had nothing of his own… no car, no phone – he took everything Maggie so generously shared with him and abused it to the fullest; driving the car until the gas tank was empty; running up phone bills to the tune of hundreds of dollars per month. He gave back NOTHING!

Everything to Mr. Orange was a joke. He took nothing seriously. It seems so strange that this was part of his initial appeal!

Freedom is a MAJOR issue for Oranges, and this particular Mr. Orange was no different. If he felt like going out, he would leave Maggie alone, often for entire evenings, while he went out to play with friends and relatives. He never advised Maggie where he was going or when he planned to return. You see, with Oranges, there rarely is a plan as they are totally spontaneous and in-the-moment creatures. If something better came up, Mr. Orange was there!

It Gets Worse

Mr. Orange also continued with his flirtatious ways, even months after securing a relationship with Maggie. When they went out to public places, Mr. Orange would openly flirt with other woman or compare Maggie to them. As you might guess, this did absolutely nothing for Maggie’s self-esteem and feelings of worth and security.

Perhaps the worst thing Mr. Orange inflicted on Maggie though was his extreme jealousy and lack of trust. Because he proved to be so untrustworthy himself, he believed that everyone else was like him. He constantly phoned Maggie at her work, grilling her on what she was doing; how she got to work that day (remember, he took over her car); what was she going to do on her break.

Whenever they were together, Mr. Orange continued his non-stop interrogations. Once again, Maggie found herself stuck in a most abusive relationship.

For the next four years, it was on-again, off-again. Like many single moms, Maggie feared that no one else would want her. She clung desperately to what she already had, trying to make it work, all the while knowing that this relationship was most toxic!

One day, Mr. Orange asked Maggie to have a child with him. At first, Maggie was reluctant as she already had a young daughter to look after without any help or support from her partner. Also, Maggie’s own family had pretty much abandoned her by this time as they totally disapproved of this relationship. Maggie was alone in her decision. Eventually though, she thought that this might be the key to getting her relationship back on its feet and settled down.

The new baby daughter changed NOTHING. If anything, it gave Mr. Orange more reason to escape. He continued to use Maggie for all she was worth while giving nothing back. Finally, after four years, Maggie pulled the plug.

Some Things Never Change

Even today, Mr. Orange proves to be a most unreliable and unfit dad. He cancels access with his now six-year-old daughter whenever it suits him, which is quite often. He wouldn’t even see the child during Christmas, leaving a gap of six weeks between visitations!

On the occasions when there is access, the young girl is subjected to a weekend of toxicity as her dad and his partner argue and fight abusively for much of the time. Even though he is able, her dad won’t even drive her back and forth to access, delegating the job to his partner’s brother. When it comes to his daughter, this Mr. Orange is always looking for the easiest way out. The child is already showing reluctance when it is time to visit her dad. Who can blame her? She can feel she is not wanted!

The Brighter Side of Orange

The entire previous scenario paints a very negative picture of Orange. While it accurately displays the characteristics as applied to this situation, that is not to say that Oranges are ‘bad’. In fact, in the right circumstances, there is often no better person than an Orange to have at your side.

Some of Orange’s stronger qualities include:
……… * Straight forward
……… * Easy going
……… * Good negotiators
……… * Great multitaskers
……… * Friendly
……… * Flexible
……… * Decisive

An example of a good Orange might be a paramedic. Their work requires all the great qualities of the color Orange especially in the area of being able to make quick and accurate decisions. For sure, this is exactly the type of person you want when you are going through a crisis.

As for our two dads, Maggie learned a lot from her experiences with Mr. Gold and Mr. Orange. She knew the good qualities she desired from each one. She especially knew what she didn’t like and would no longer tolerate. This prepared her for Mr. Green (um, that would be me). We’ve saved the best for last! More on the color Green in our next and final installment.

All the best from Toronto,
Russ and Maggie

The world can seem like a crazy place sometimes…
OK, a LOT of the time! However, no matter what is going on in your life, magic happens when you learn how to choose better feelings now!
You’re Gonna Love That Feeling

Back to Charles:
So did you recognize any Oranges in your life? Of course, most Orange types won’t be such pure examples as the one in Russ’s profile. Usually the types are modified or diluted by having a sub-type of another color, which can make the person a bit easier to take.

But just remember the old proverb, if life hands you an Orange, just make orange juice.

None of this is intended as an indictment or a criticism of any of the color types. It’s for your reference so you’ll know better how to deal with the people you meet.

Got a boss, a spouse or a child who drives you nuts? Maybe you just need to develop a better understanding of who they are and why they behave the way they do. Once you know what to expect from a person in any given situation, it’s easier to be prepared. You’re less likely to be caught off balance or be disappointed by their unexpected behavior.

In this case, knowledge really is power.

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles

Here’s a hint that may help you avoid receiving more spam.

In the past, maybe you’ve received one of those wonderfully inspiring stories by email that urges you to forward it on to all your friends. And maybe you’ve even forwarded one or two of them to me.

If you have, please know this – I won’t forward them on. Ever.

Anytime you see one of those “forward this” emails, it almost always has an email tracker program attached that tracks the email addresses of those folks you forward to.

The original sender (generally a cold-blooded spammer, not a warm-hearted humanitarian) is getting a copy each time that mail of his gets forwarded, and so is able to build huge lists of “active and valid” email addresses to which he then sends torrents of SPAM messages.

If you’ve been forwarding lots of those messages, now you know why you’re getting so much SPAM.

Do yourself a favor and stop forwarding those things, no matter how cute, or lovely, or inspiring you think they are. They’re just poison bait – a scam. Of course, you can’t undo all the harm you’ve already done yourself (and the friends you’ve forwarded to). But you can avoid making it any worse.

And for god’s sake, don’t forward any of that stuff to me. Inspiration like that I don’t need.

Thanks a million.

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles

The purpose of the Japanese school is to make sure the kids are exposed to the full range of their home culture and language. But they also introduce lots of other cultural influences to give the children a highly enriched range of experiences.

And so they asked me to play Santa for these kids.

…..

…..

…..

…..

Below we see Santa calming his mind with his daily meditations.

And after the kids have received their presents, they line up for a class picture.

The presents trigger the usual variety of responses – growling, scowling, nose picking and introspection.

All in all, it was a terrific half hour, and Santa may have enjoyed it even more than the children did.

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles

At the same time, nobody is surprised if there’s great variation among puppies in a litter. We just naturally expect some of them to be more spirited, some more playful, some more aggressive. And there’s usually a quiet, low-energy runt of the litter, too.

Likewise, some horses are born with great heart and competitive spirit, while others are easy-going and gentle, and yet others may have mean or fractious natures. So yes, we accept all this about animals.

But sometimes it feels like a bit of a taboo to suggest the same thing about humans – that they’re born already equipped with a basic, inborn nature. I guess we still like to pretend that every person is a totally innocent, blank sheet of pure white paper upon which each passerby writes for the better or the worse. Well, I don’t buy that.

The influence of environment is not destiny. Not every child born in the ghetto turns to crime, and not every child born in privilege rises to fame and good fortune. Not by a long shot.

So different personality types exist, whether it’s politically correct to say so or not. And one of the most interesting (and challenging) types in the “True Colors” system is the so-called “Gold” type. This week, guest author Russ Hamel shares with us his own experiences with…

A Tale of Two Dads
By Russ Hamel

Like Night and Day

Two men could not be more different than Maggie’s first husband compared to her later common-law relationship. ‘Mr. JT,’ as we affectionately refer to my older step-daughter Suvin’s dad, is a true Gold. On the other hand, Ambrosia’s dad, ‘Mr. CT’ is an Orange.

Today we will be talking about the Gold personality type. For this article, you can assume that whatever characteristics the Gold person displays, the Orange type will be the exact opposite. The next article in this series will zoom in on the Orange persona.

Mr. JT Really IS Good As Gold

Suvin is extremely fortunate to have two loving families. Maggie is the custodial parent for now, although that will change when Suvin goes to high school next year. At that time she will move in with her dad and step-mom. She’ll visit us on weekends – just the reverse of our current access arrangements.

As a dad, there is probably no one on the planet who cares more about his kid than Mr. JT. He embodies the best of the Gold characteristics.

Golds love to plan and are always prepared ahead of time. Maggie and I are hoping that some of Mr. JT’s influence will rub off on Suvin when she goes to live with him full-time next year. All of our own efforts have made very little, if any progress in getting Suvin to stay organized and on time.

To his credit, Mr. JT is a man of his word. When he says he is going to do something or be someplace at a particular time, you can take it to the bank. Golds have a very strong sense of duty.

Details are what Golds do best. I recall a scene in the park a few years ago when Mr. JT was trying to teach Ambrosia how to pedal her bike. It was comical, yet painful to watch all at the same time. He adjusted every part of Ambrosia’s body position, “NO, turn your foot THIS WAY… Keep your wrist UP on the handle bar… sit with your back straight…” I don’t remember if the kid actually ever moved on that bike. It was a technique lesson on how to sit.

Of course, this trait serves Mr. JT well in his job as a home-theatre installer. The guy knows his equipment inside and out. He over-delivers for his customers, making sure the picture and sound are to his own exacting standards. The guy is a perfectionist!

Traditional family values rank high on Gold’s priorities. Suvin tells us that she speaks mainly Chinese in her dad’s home. Maggie has already informed her of the very real possibility that her dad will keep her schedule packed with extra-curricular ‘learning opportunities’. As in many traditional Chinese homes, children don’t have regular chores and responsibilities as they ‘waste time’ that could be better spent on studying and achieving.

Conservative and stable, Golds are typically workaholics themselves, always slaving and saving for ’someday’ which of course never comes. Again, taking a break would be considered such a waste. On the good side, when it comes time to make large purchases and investments, Golds are well prepared. When Suvin needed braces two years ago, Mr. JT went to the orthodontist to negotiate the best deal for his share of the costs. He paid cash!

Structure, rules and policies are necessary for Golds. They need them in order to function in an often chaotic world. And God help the person who doesn’t follow procedures to the letter, especially if it’s their own! A Gold will hold everyone to their own set standards, or else!

The Midas Touch – Too Much of a Good Thing

So far Mr. JT sounds like the perfect family man – hard working, diligent, a man of his word. But like everything else in life, there can be too much of a good thing.

In Maggie’s case, she found Mr. JT’s style to be extremely rigid and stifling. Because he is a workaholic, he expects everyone else around him to be busy and productive 24/7. Downtime to stop and smell the roses simply isn’t allowed with many Golds.

Mr. JT could be extremely bossy. Whatever Maggie did, she found herself being coached and corrected. Vacuuming had to be done a certain way. Laundry had to be done a certain way. Mr. JT’s food had to be presented a certain way – not too much, not too little, not too hot, not too cold… he was forever looking over Maggie’s shoulder, always ready with a comment or critique.

Maggie’s English was better than Mr. JT’s so she would often make phone calls on his behalf. He would listen and then correct and/or berate her for having said/not said something to his satisfaction.

In a word, Mr. JT eventually became very boring to Maggie. He did not know how to relax and have fun. Spontaneity is nowhere to be found in Gold’s vocabulary.

Mr. JT can be extremely uptight. He worries about EVERYTHING to the point of being intrusive on our family life. One of the first years Maggie and I were together, Mr. JT called constantly “to make sure his daughter was OK”. Now, it’s one thing to chat every evening with your daughter because you have a great connection… it’s quite another to pry into another family’s private life to see what they are doing!

When Suvin went to visit her dad on weekends, he would ply her with all kinds of questions about what I did, what did I make her call me (he was paranoid that his daughter would think of me as ‘dad’). He would create all kinds of stories in an attempt to build up his image (Mommy doesn’t love you as much as I do) while tearing Maggie and I down. Suvin would often come home afraid and confused. Today she knows better.

Now that Suvin is older, she can access her dad by herself. Maggie and I no longer have to have a face-to-face confrontation with Mr. JT every week. That has made all the difference in the world.

What About the Other Guy?

As I mentioned, whatever good qualities Mr. JT has, you can mark down the exact opposite traits for the little one’s dad. We will get to visit him up and close and personal when we take up the color Orange in our next installment.

Until then, I hope you are starting to observe people in a whole new and fun way. The True Colors system is stunningly accurate. Understanding what makes people tick helps you to make better decisions in how you relate with them.

All the best from Toronto,
Russ and Maggie

The world can seem like a crazy place sometimes… OK, a LOT of the time! However, no matter what is going on in your life, magic happens when you learn how to choose better feelings now!
You’re Gonna Love That Feeling

Back to Charles:
If there’s a job that needs to get done, put a Gold in charge. They’ll make sure it gets done, on time and under budget. But of course, you may see a high employee turnover at first.

If your boss is a Gold, unless you’re a compulsive detail person yourself, their constant micromanaging can drive you up the wall. And worse, if too much structure makes your flesh crawl, you’re going to be exposed to structure, whether you like it or not.

You may occasionally have to fight for the right to make your own decisions, but a Gold, once he or she makes a promise, will probably never double-cross you nor change the deal on you.

As with every personality type, when dealing with Golds, you’ll have many opportunities to learn, grow and expand your interpersonal skills. What’s especially good about Golds is that they’re predictable. You can always guess approximately what they’ll do, and be ready with your own plan, counter-offer or negotiating tactic well prepared beforehand.

See? Dealing with a Gold automatically gives you the chance to pick up some of their traits and expand your own personality with useful new skills from them. This is personal growth at its very best.

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles

What This Means for You

I first announced this change more than a month ago and have repeated it every week since then. Still, most subscribers on the old list have not switched over to the new service.

If you haven’t yet resubscribed using the form on the right side of this page, you’ll have no way of receiving my regular updates about what’s going on with BullsEye Living.

I thank you for visiting the site to catch the latest posts and analysis. I’m delighted that you’re here, and now, to make sure you keep getting your updates, fill in your first name and main email address in the form.

Another Way

Or, alternatively (and high-techly) just click on the RSS News Feed button way up at the top right. It’ll automatically make announcements directly available to your favorite RSS reader.

The RSS feed is cool because you’ll learn about each new post as soon as it happens – you won’t be waiting around for me to send (slightly old-fashioned) email.

But either way, do subscribe to keep receiving the cool updates from the BullsEye.

Cheers, Charles

For example, have you ever felt that someone you know – perhaps your partner – can sometimes act uncomfortably clingy or maybe just too damn helpful? Maybe they’re not really. Maybe they’re only acting true to type – their blue type – and you’re REacting true to your own type. This can cause “unexplainable” clashes.

Learning to comprehend the different types can help eliminate the misunderstandings from our interactions. Today, guest columnist Russ Hamel continues his series on the four personality types set forth in the True Colors system as he asks us…

What Makes You Blue? (and we’re not talking sad)
By Russ Hamel

The Reason We Behave So Differently

We are all various combinations of Blue, Gold, Orange and Green. Therefore at any given time we can display any or all of the traits and characteristics of one particular color. For example, you will act completely different at Great-Aunt Gertrude’s 95th birthday party than you would at your college dorm mixer.

However, we also all have natural tendencies that, when observed over time, can be grouped and categorized. These ‘labels’ assist in explaining who we are and why we act the way we do most of the time.

Today we are looking at some of the natural tendencies for the color Blue. For my illustrations I don’t have to look any further than my own relationship. Maggie’s primary color is Blue and she fits most descriptions of that category to a T. I have Blue as my secondary color, with my natural habits falling into the Green classification. So while I can relate to and understand Maggie’s Blue, there are significant contrasts to set up some serious challenges and road blocks unless we’re both extremely conscious of our behavior.

Caretaker

One of the hallmarks of Blue people is that they always put others first. Yes, most of us can become caretakers in extraordinary times when a loved one is sick or injured. The difference with Blues is that they put other people first ALL of the time.

By contrast, Greens like to take care of themselves. They think they are doing others a favor by doing their own thing quickly and then getting out of the way.

Take the day I made myself a couple of tuna sandwiches for lunch. I knew what I wanted. I knew exactly how I liked my sandwich to be prepared. Maggie saw that I had four slices of bread in the toaster. She thought, “Cool, he’s making lunch for all of us.”

I can’t tell you how shocked and upset she was when she discovered that I had made those two sandwiches for myself. I was proud that I was so fast and efficient, making my lunch in under three minutes.

Had she made lunch, there would have been a long Q+A process because Blues are pleasers. They want to make sure they get everything just right. As a Green, I don’t have the time or patience for endless choices. In fact, I usually can be done with preparation AND eating in the time it takes a Blue to go through Q+A.

However, the disastrous consequence is that Blue ends up feeling unappreciated. And that, my friends, is NOT a good thing.

Another aspect of Blue’s caretaker trait is the REASON they do it and that is to make everyone happy. By contrast, a Gold personality will look after someone because they feel it is part of their duty, almost like a job description. Golds just need to get the job DONE to the accepted standards and protocol. Happiness is not the main objective.

Passionate and Enthusiastic

Blues care… I mean, they REALLY care. And they have no problem letting you know about it. Intellectual Green and Gold will be more reserved and actually consider emotional expression to be a block to building better relationships.

Blues love to share excitement. Their natural enthusiasm is often contagious enough to win others over. The more joy and happiness they spread, the more they feel appreciated. Sometimes though, when their target audience is busy or preoccupied, Blues can be left to feel unloved.

When Blues are upset, they want to clear the air… IMMEDIATELY. Hindsight being 20/20, Maggie agrees that this trait contributed greatly to the toe-to-toe battles that most often turned ugly and abusive with her previous two relationships.

Mr. Green (that’s ME) on the other hand avoids confrontation at all costs. I withdraw at the first sign of trouble. Both of these extremes are detrimental to Blues. It takes conscious effort on ALL sides to make Blue feel understood and appreciated without scaring Green (or other intellectual types) away.

Cooperative Loves Building Teams

Maggie and other true Blues thrive on harmony and happiness. When we first got together, Maggie told me that her dream was to build a role-model relationship for her two daughters; to show them that it WAS possible to have a healthy relationship.

Her attitude is the same at work. It is what has moved her rapidly up the ranks from mere receptionist to a highly valued (and paid) member of the admin team in less than three years.

Again, we ALL say we want to get along. However, if you are like me, you’ll find that your natural tendency towards independence and autonomy are not exactly conducive to team building. I’ll support Maggie in achieving her own wants and needs. When it comes to my own, I’d much rather do things for and by myself, given the choice.

Blues are True Romantics

Holding hands, hugging and verbalizing a plethora of I Love You’s each and every day makes for a happy and harmonious environment. Just what Blues crave. It’s like they can’t get enough.

Blues HATE saying goodbye, often lingering at the exit for 30 minutes or more. They are never the first to let go.

As you can imagine, other personality types may easily find this too smothering… simply too much! (like me, sometimes) Again, it takes knowledge of yourself AND your partner to work out a balance that is right for both of you.

That’s why if you are serious about building and maintaining a great relationship, the study of the ideas in True Colors may be one of the best investments of time and energy you can make.

The next article in this series will touch on some general characteristics of the color Gold. In the meantime, go back and see if you can relate to the Blue traits. There’s a good chance you do since the majority of people on the planet exhibit Blue as their primary color.

Also, by understanding your own natural inclinations as you relate to others, you may see for the first time why things are the way they are. Approach this study with curiosity and a wide open mind. The color palette of life will astound you!

All the best from Toronto,
Russ and Maggie

The world can seem like a crazy place sometimes…
OK, a LOT of the time! However, no matter what is going on in your life, magic happens when you learn how to choose better feelings now! You’re Gonna Love That Feeling

Back to Charles:
Donno about you, but I’m enjoying this series. Most “experts” like to give us dry facts, statistics and theory. Russ, on the other hand, illustrates exactly what he’s talking about with experiences from his own life. Is that gutsy or what?

So look around you. Are you possibly a blue or a green? Is someone near you one of these colors? If so, maybe you’re now getting a clearer notion of why your interactions so often go as they do. Even better, you may now be gaining a clearer understanding of why others seem so hell-bent on doing the goofy, illogical things they do… you know, the things that sometimes drive you so nuts.

Once we start looking past the surface of each person’s behavior into the needs within the personality that drive that behavior, we’re stepping into Compassion Land where empathy (and harmony) can come alive.

Next week, Russ will continue this series with another look at colorful personalities and how to get along with them.

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles

And We Have a Winner

Lines from the Heart Website

LinesFromTheHeart.com – a name suggested by Virginia. Actually, a lot of good names were submitted, and it was hard picking just one. I’d sit down and look at the list of submissions and wonder if I could just put up a couple dozen sites, one for each domain name. I waffled and I wavered, I scratched my head and I scratched my… arm.

Then I came to my senses, shook myself by the scruff of the neck and issued a small ultimatum. It went something like, “Hey Burke, you know all the choices. You have them right in front of you. So just sit your ass down and pick one. You’ve got 10 minutes.” So I did. And I’m happy with the choice.

One important consideration was ease of spelling. I learned from past websites that a hard-to-spell name can be a traffic killer. In addition, the connection to subject matter had to be fairly obvious at first glance.

Several of the entries satisfied those two criteria, so this immediately narrowed things down. Then it was just a matter of remembering Mom, looking at her pictures, repeating the domain names out loud, and intuitively sensing what seemed to fit her and the poetry she wrote.

Lines from the Heart kept rising to the top.

So now the website is up and I’ve even posted a number of Mom’s poems already. I invite you to go and browse around Lines from the Heart, read and enjoy.

Oh, and the winners are:
….. 1st Prize – Virginia
….. 2nd Prize – Laura
….. 3rd Prize – a tie between Jon and Dixie

In addition, every person who sent me a suggestion is also receiving a couple of runner-up prizes, because I appreciate their help.

By the way, Jason, the email I sent with the download links to your prizes bounced back to me – they said the mail was bad, so it may have been misspelled. If you’ll contact me with an alternate email address, I’ll send that message with your links right away.

I should also mention that I’ve got more contests and other cool things planned, so please be sure you’ve re-subscribed, using the form at the right side of this page. If you’re not on the new mailing list, you won’t hear from me any more after the end of this month (4 more days as of this writing).

And now, in closing, another really big “Thank You” to everybody who participated in the contest to make it a success.

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles