… or you may be running double standards.

For example, if you’re a boss, do your male and female employees get the same pay for doing the same work? When you interview new potential employees, do you automatically rate some applicants lower if their formal education is ‘sub-standard’, even though they’re clearly bright, ambitious and capable?

Are you expecting your daughters to leave school, marry and bear babies, while it’s obvious to you that your sons will have a far higher destiny? Do you unthinkingly dismiss suggestions by your spouse because “a man can’t understand those things”… or alternatively, “a woman is just too emotional to handle such matters”?

Think I’m joking? I still hear comments like that by real people – modern, educated, progressive people. Sometimes the views are not stated quite so blatantly, but if you listen to the underlying assumptions, the message is clear and unmistakable.

And nowhere are double standards more likely to crop up than in dealing with our own families. This makes it doubly hard to deal with them because family matters link straight to the core of one’s personality.

Today’s guest contributor Colin Jarvis, a communications specialist and trainer who has recently acquired three terrific new step children, now finds himself staring directly down the barrel of his own…

Double Standards

By Colin Jarvis

I don’t know about you but I hate people who have double standards. Often they are the type of people who say, “Do as I say, not as I do”. Or they are the kind of people who complain about other people’s dishonesty and then fiddle their own expenses at work.

I was therefore horrified to discover that I, too, suffer from double standards.

When I married my current wife I inherited three wonderful children, two boys and one girl. The boys are seventeen and fifteen and the girl is eleven. The eldest boy is showing a serious interest in girls. I hope he shows them proper respect but at the same time I hope he has a good deal of fun.

The main point is that am quite happy for him to choose his own girlfriends and I have very few worries about his first forays into romance. This is not because I feel he is particularly mature, and this is the awful bit, it is simply because he is a boy.

Face to Face with Myself

I realised my double standards when I thought about how I will react when my daughter starts dating in a few years time. I feel I want to insist on having a complete background check on any potential boyfriend. Perhaps it is natural to feel so protective and perhaps, when my daughter is older I will not feel quite so protective. As things are at the present I recognize that my feelings are fairly normal, but I do not like having these double standards.

When I was first courting my wife and we realised our relationship was serious, I was introduced to the family. The two boys were great. We went and did many activities together that helped us bond. The boys seemed to accept me very readily and I was very relieved.

My future daughter, on the other hand, would not acknowledge my presence. She would not even look at me. She was obviously unsettled by my appearance. I decided that the only thing to do would be to wait for her to come towards me. After a week or so I knew I had broken through when she came up and punched me.

Since that time the boys and I have had good times and bad times. They are both wishing to express their independence and I, as their guardian, have to try to ensure they do not get into too much trouble or danger. Ann, on the other hand has given me no problems whatsoever. She was not aware that I have a particular interest in Thai classical music and dance so you can imagine my delight when she expressed a wish to learn these two disciplines. We have a very close relationship and I was thrilled when she asked if she could call me “Daddy”.

Love Accepts Responsibility

I have often heard people talk about the special relationship between a father and a daughter and I believe I am beginning to understand how strong and powerful such a relationship can be. Suddenly acquiring children, not of one’s own making, can be a difficult experience. There is the desire to be loved and respected by the children but there is also the duty of care and the need to ensure the right level of discipline and encouragement. There is nowhere to learn this and to me, as a new parent, it has at times been very difficult.

I doubt that I am a very good parent; I still have a great deal to learn. However I am finding the experience extremely rewarding even though it is sometimes exhausting, frustrating, even terrifying.

I just hope that as I become wiser and more skilful at being a parent I am able to do a decent job and help my new children lead useful and satisfying lives.

I hope I am also able to rid myself of my double standards now that I am aware of them.

Colin Jarvis works with organizations in South-east Asia, the UK and Europe to boost effectiveness through clearer communication. Basically his consultancy encourages people to think for themselves, to have the confidence to do so, and to help them access a good range of values they can live by. But you can’t always come out and tell your clients this, so everything is sold as business efficiency and effectiveness packages.

Back to Charles:
I met Colin here in Chiang Mai at a recent networking event, where I discovered that he has a passion for enabling better, clearer communication among people, departments, divisions, regions – any kind of communication. And as we talked, I realized all over again how closely communication is related to motivating and inspiring people to “buy into” goals, ideas or missions (both their own and those of an organization), and to stay in.

Without good communication of those goals, ideas and missions – communication both vertically and laterally – any organization will grind to a quivering, neurotic halt.

Think this doesn’t apply to you personally? BZZZZZZTT!! Faulty assumption.

The ability to move clear, accurate messages around from one part of your mind to another is the identical task that a company, a club, an army, or a charity all face. And one of the biggest blocks to internal clarity is unrecognized assumptions, like Colin’s attitude toward how much freedom is “right” for a boy versus what’s appropriate for a girl.

But Colin is a trained observer – a highly skilled communicator – so he quickly recognized (with some wryness) the irony that in his own life, he’s still learning his craft.

Give the man credit. He admitted the facts, then began moving to keep himself honest.

And all of this is prelude to the big question: do you have the same degree of honesty and integrity when you suddenly come face to face with one of your own double standards? It’s no disgrace to have a double standard. It’s what you do after you recognize it that tells who you are and where you’re headed.

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles

Of course, it may not be an everyday occurrence. It could be an occasional thing – they’re in a mood today and step on your toes without realizing it.

If you assume you know what the other person’s intentions are, you might be wrong. In fact, today’s guest author Peter Vajda suggests it might be a good idea to slow down and give this person…

The Benefit of the Doubt
By Peter Vajda, Ph.D, C.P.C.

“I think that whenever soul is present, it’s because what you’re doing, whom you’re with, where you are, evokes love without your thinking about it. You are totally absorbed in the place or person or event, without ego and without judgment.”
- Jean Shinoda Bolen

Did you ever notice that when you make an error, mess up, miscalculate and the like you tend to blame your environmental, organizational, or life circumstances for your action? That is, “it’s not about me?” On the other hand, when someone else messes up, do you notice how often you point out some character flaw in them that (you assume) caused them to behave badly or inappropriately?

What’s operating here is a psycho-social dynamic called the Fundamental Attribution Error (FAE). In essence, the FAE says we have a tendency to focus on another’s personality, character, values, motives or attitudes when we judge their actions while discounting their immediate situation or life circumstances as a reason for their behavior. We assume we “know” the other person and then judge them on the basis of “our knowing,” rather than on the social or environmental context which may be influencing them.

HOWEVER, when it comes to me, it’s never about me! It’s always about my life circumstances or social context; it’s NEVER about my own personality or character.

Consider:

1. On the way out of the building, I pass a coworker and say “hi.” S/he acts like s/he doesn’t even see me, eyes down, nary a word. I assume s/he’s thoughtless, self-absorbed, unfriendly or even an absent-minded jerk.
2. My partner returns home after work and immediately goes to his/her computer. Not a “hello” or a glance – just a bee-line movement past me to rush online. I choose to make a judgment about how disrespectful, unkind, unloving, cruel and uncaring s/he is.

In both circumstances, I have made judgments and assumptions that point to the other’s personality or character – on the basis that I “know” them and what’s going on in their life.

What I Don’t Know:

In the first example, the individual just learned her seventeen-year-old son was in a car accident – is in the hospital in critical condition; and in the second, my partner was told at 4:45 pm there was a chance she would be let go next week and she should check her email tonight for further information (unavailable when she was at the office) about the company’s possible next steps.

The important question is: “Why does it seldom occur to us that folks like this may be ‘otherwise engaged’ – in deep thought or reflection based on some challenging life circumstance or event?”

The point here is to be self-aware, conscious of how much our ego-mind, our judgmental-comparative, reactive mind, our human side, drives our habitual and patterned behaviors and thoughts during the day, especially when it comes to interacting with and judging others.

The Antidote to the FAE

“When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion.” – Marshall B. Rosenberg

One way to understand the FAE phenomena is to be curious about how we view others, and connect with others – at work, at home, at play and in relationship. What is the “frame” within which we relate to others?

Try this exercise:

Imagine three walls. On one there are ten framed pictures (all ten are the same picture) of the individual in the first situation above. On the second wall there are ten similar pictures of your partner and on the third wall, ten of yourself – remember, all ten are the same. Under each frame is a blank label.

Next, label each individual in the pictures in any way you wish.

When done, consider the labels, including those of yourself. How many of the labels reflect a “task-orientation” and how many reflect a “person-orientation?” How many reflect an objective, functional, role-playing, positional or impersonal orientation? How many reflect a subjective, heart-felt, or human orientation?

Who’s judging – and the benefit of the doubt

The labels provide insight into what’s operating in us when we judge others. When we come from an impersonal, officious or “business-like” orientation to the world (yes, even at home, at play and in relationship), we’re more inclined to be harsh, objective and judgmental. On the other hand, when we come from a heart-felt, subjective and personal orientation, it’s often easier to be more conscious of our reactivity, willing to relate to the “person” as opposed to the “function” and be more willing to give another the benefit of the doubt – making no assumptions about another’s character, attitudes, values or motives. We allow that we don’t know chapter and verse about another (even our closest friends or loved ones) and thus refuse to judge them.

In fact, when we view others from a heart-felt place, we choose to be empathic, compassionate and accepting – understanding that, yes, another’s life circumstances and context can affect their behavior. No assumptions; no inferences.

“If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now.” – Marcus Aurelius

Why the FAE is Our Default Mode

Simple. It’s easier (and less scary) to judge others than to honestly, sincerely and self-responsibly get to know ourselves. Judging others lets us off the hook of self-awareness, self-responsibility and self-management. Judging others’ motives and values allows us to forego looking at the Truth of our own values and motives underneath our behaviors and attitudes.

Too, because we, in fact, don’t know (and/or don’t care) about what’s really going on in another’s life, we find it easier to focus on the person, rather than their context – assuming, comparing and criticizing based on what we think we know (make up?) about another.

Native Americans approach the FAE in this way: “Don’t judge a man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins.”

Consider:

Everyone is in Chapter Three of their life. No one knows what transpired in Chapters One and Two. Don’t assume you know.

Upon arising in the morning, no one says, “I’m going to be a jerk today.” Don’t assume you know their motives for acting.

Showing up in life – at work, at home, at play and in relationship – authentically, in integrity, and from a heart-felt place, we are more inclined to forego the FAE trap, or prejudge others. When we relate to others from a heart-felt, compassionate place, we can choose to be more accepting, forgiving, empathic and understanding.

So, some questions for self-reflection are:

• Am I often prone to inferring what I think is motivating another to act negatively?
• When I behave inappropriately, do I usually justify my negative behavior by pointing to outside events and circumstances, and not to me?
• Do I own my negative actions?
• Do I ever consider how I’d behave if I were in another’s moccasins?
• Do I consciously observe, watch and witness my negative actions?
• Am I willing to consider unseen causes for another’s negative behavior?
• Can I be compassionate toward others who behave inappropriately?
• Am I generally judgmental about others? What does being judgmental get me?
• Is there someone on my team or in my family about whom I can be less judgmental, and more understanding?
• Am I a master of the art form of blame?
• How do I feel when another judges me – especially when they have no idea of my life situation or context?
• What would my life be like if I practiced being totally receptive, without judgment, to the circumstances, events and people in my life?

“It’s not differences that divide us; it’s our judgments about each other that do.”
- Margaret Wheatley

SpiritHeart – Coaching for Essential Well-BE-ing
— at the intersection of body, mind, emotion and spirit
Values-Based Coaching, Counseling and Training
Phone: 770.804.9125 (Atlanta, GA, USA)
E-mail: pvajda [AT] spiritheart [DOT] net
www.spiritheart.net and www.ahchiyo.com
“What makes you think work and meditation are two different things?”
— Buddha at Work

Back to Charles:
Giving others the benefit of the doubt is vitally important. In the vast majority of cases, we’re not dealing with a totally crazy person. They’re just all caught up in the immediacy of their own situation.

So the questions Peter outlines are very important questions, and we could profit from asking them of ourselves regularly. Are there people who “rub us the wrong way”? People who just simply piss us off by walking into the room? Being aware of our patterns can lead us into some important discoveries about ourselves. And about other people.

This is not to say that those irritating people in our lives are perfect, or that they’re not contributing to the situation. But if we don’t support our end of a misunderstanding, how long can the other person keep it up?

And I’m also not denying that some people are very bad trouble. You have to wonder whether any amount of understanding and compassion would have altered the actions of Hitler, Stalin or other megalomaniacs.

Smiling benignly and trying to understand the struggles that Charles Manson was experiencing would probably not have had any appreciable effect on his behavior.

Let’s face it, we live in a world that allows a certain degree of free choice. And some people WILL become nut cases.

So, while it’s important to be aware of your own emotional triggers and your interactions with others, that’s not the whole story.

I read some time back of the doctor in Hawaii who cleared an entire ward of homicidal crazies by murmuring that he was sorry and that he loved them. That’s a wonderful and tantalizing story. But… most of us are probably not yet at the point where we can cure the difficult people around us by sitting and thinking how sorry we are about it all.

What we CAN do, however, is ease our own distress by turning loose of the tendency to blame others when we’re experiencing struggle.

My apologies if this last part steps on your belief system of the week, but I just had to say it. Most of us simply aren’t there yet, and it’s important to factor that into how we handle ourselves and our lives. Trying to act the way we “should” is the second-hardest way to live. The first-hardest way is to expect others to act the way THEY should.

All of which brings us back to Peter’s original point. Have a little compassion. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Do this and you’ll end up making things easier for yourself as well as for them.

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles

But for others, the movie showed only a vague and limited version of an ancient concept – one that was has been taught for thousands of years.

Today, guest author Peter Vajda discusses this “original matrix,” the one that mystics were exploring long before our present-day electronic matrix – the Internet. Follow along with Peter as he leads us into…

Indra’s Net – The Essence of Real Networking
By Peter Vajda, Ph.D, C.P.C.

“Our truest life is when we are in our dreams awake. Not till we are lost, in other words, not till we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize the infinite extent of our relations.”
– Henry David Thoreau

In the heaven of Hindu and Buddhist tradition, there lies a vast silken web whose strands span infinitely across space in every direction. At each intersection, there’s a shining luminous jewel and each one completely reflects every other jewel. The jewels are said to represent the souls of all animate life. For many, Indra’s Net represents the interconnectedness of all souls. The idea is: since each jewel reflects all others, we both affect, and are affected by, others.

Consider:

How do you feel when you are treated abruptly and disrespectfully by someone – a colleague, a boss, a sales- or wait-person, a client or vendor, a physician, a relative, partner or spouse? Moreover, if, as a result, you are feeling somewhat unhappy or really angry, on a scale of 1-10, how likely are you to allow your negative emotions to spill over into your next interaction, and the next, and the next? And, if others react negatively to your negativity, how do you suppose they’ll react to their next interaction? And, if the opposite were true in terms of your being “seen,” acknowledged and appreciated by another, would that degree of positivity affect your next interaction, and the next, etc? Get the picture?

The Butterfly Effect – The idea is that if a butterfly chances to flap his wings in Beijing in March, then, by August, hurricane patterns in the Atlantic will be completely different – (the concept is initially attributed to meteorologist Edward Lorenz). Interconnectivity on a global level.

So, moving from the heavens, the global level, to the local level, ground level, the practical implication of Indra’s Net would have us be curious about how we choose to relate to the various “jewels” we come across in our daily life – at work, at home, at play and in relationships.

And, caught up in a life where many are moving at 90 miles an hour (think “ant colony”) – mentally, physically, online and offline, etc. -how often do we consciously or unconsciously choose to ignore those other jewels with whom we come into contact? We DO have some effect on everyone with whom we come into contact – whether we/they are aware of it or not, whether we choose to or not.

Living a life, rather than a lifestyle, or living “in” one’s self, as opposed to living “next to” one’s self (i.e., robotically, disengaged), means being aware of “who we are” and “how we are” in every moment – understanding and appreciating the significance of the web of interconnectivity.

“Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships he makes with others and what happens to him in the world about him.”
- Virginia Satir

Consider:

With how many people do you interact (face-to-face, electronically, etc.) – at work, at home, at play and in relationship – every day? And how many of these folks are actually “visible” to you as you interact? That is, how many of these folks do you see as having any real-ness or personal-ness? Or do you tend to overlook or dismiss them as “ordinary” because you view them as “roles” or tasks, or insignificant or simply as a means to an end – direct reports, assistants, secretaries, clerks, taxi/bus drivers, street sweepers, shopkeepers, and the like?

Indra’s Net reminds us that we can make the invisible, visible. That the jewels that connect one strand to another and reflect one another are just that – jewels – to be seen, acknowledged, appreciated and valued.

“I wish Pooh were here. It’s so much more friendly with two.”
- Piglet (A.A. Milne)

Seeing the diamond through the dust

What our planet seems to be crying out for are conscious, healthy interactions and relationships between and among folks – folks we know and folks we don’t. And the easiest way to begin to remove the dust and see the jewels is simply by recognizing another as, well, another human be-ing – someone who, in their own right, is a jewel at the crossroads of other strands, reflecting other jewels.

How I choose to react or respond to another will affect how that other responds or reacts to others. My glance, my heart, my words and my actions can have a positive or negative effect on that other, and their glance, heart, words and actions will affect others – the web is infinite and real. We will make a difference – a good difference or a not-so-good difference. But, in all likelihood, we will make a difference that ripples out to others as a ripple moves across a pond.

The idea is not to create an ego-driven difference, but a soul difference – making an invisible person, visible – seeing the diamond through the dust – with a loving or mindful glance, word, or kindness, as opposed to an unconscious, dismissive or robotic “I hardly notice you” role-playing-type reactivity. Just a one-carat energetic response is all it takes. It’s mutually energizing on a soul level.

Every diamond is unique

“It’s surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you’re not comfortable within yourself, you can’t be comfortable with others.”
- Sydney J. Harris

The beauty of a diamond is its uniqueness. Every jewel in the Net possesses a uniqueness. When our “eyepiece” is jiggled or jostled – by the speed of life, or a bruised psyche – we cannot see clearly and are more apt to dismiss, reject or judge another diamond as a simple, worthless stone. Here, we need to not only obtain a new eyepiece, but turn it on our self – to examine perhaps a flaw or two within our own diamond – something we have denied, repressed or not accepted about our jewel. When we discover what it is, work with it and polish it, then others’ brightness will be readily available for our viewing pleasure.

The practical application of Indra’s Net is that the diamond within us chooses to see the diamond in another. The beauty of Indra’s Net, and real networking, is just that – the beauty that arises naturally when connection is based on acknowledging and appreciating the uniqueness and value of another – just because they are.

So, some questions for self-reflection are:

• Do you ever observe and reflect on your own observations of others? What might they reveal about yourself?
• When you choose to see someone as being different from you, what is it about your own unconscious that you are discovering?
• Do you experience discomfort around others who are “not like me?” Do you tend to be more inclusive or exclusive in your orientation to others?
• Do you know the name of someone who cleans your office, of the wait-person you see every day in your local coffee shop, the elevator operator, your refuse collector (you get the picture)?
• Have you ever caught yourself being too busy to acknowledge or show appreciation to another?
• How do you feel when you experience another not giving you the attention you’d like (or think you deserve)?
• Can you think of times when a good/bad experience with someone influenced your behavior in subsequent interactions with others? What was that like?
• Can you envision a world where an Indra’s Net orientation to people actually exists down here, on earth, as well as in the heavens?

“The whole idea of compassion is based on a keen awareness of the interdependence of all these living beings, which are all part of one another, and all involved in one another.”
- Thomas Merton

SpiritHeart – Coaching for Essential Well-BE-ing
— at the intersection of body, mind, emotion and spirit
Values-Based Coaching, Counseling and Training
Phone: 770.804.9125 (Atlanta, GA, USA)
E-mail: pvajda [AT] spiritheart [DOT] net
www.spiritheart.net and www.ahchiyo.com
“What makes you think work and meditation are two different things?”
— Buddha at Work

Back to Charles:
Does this image of an infinite network of souls lift your vision and expand your feelings about the sea of life you’re a part of? Does the expanse of your being feel somehow bigger now?

The more often we contemplate our connections with all souls, all energy beings, all entities everywhere – the more regularly we let our minds dwell on that – the greater we become within ourselves. Not because we’re growing bigger, but because our awareness of who and what we are, and how vast, how infinite and how unending we are in spirit – that awareness expands.

And if we do that often enough, we begin to outgrow our self image of the little, petty, limited person who finds it so hard to cope with with the challenges of everyday life. In fact, those challenges, held up alongside the vastness of our true being, are shrunk down to nearly nothing in comparison… that is, if we spend enough time with our true self. The one that’s woven eternally into the universal net of life.

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles

“How do I stay positive when I’m bombarded constantly by the negativity, complaints and cynicism from the people around me? It’s hard to keep my own attitude up.”

I get asked that a lot. And of course, every case is different, so it’s not always possible to give a stock reply. There are as many approaches to protecting yourself as there are people. But some basic principles apply.

Today, guest writer Peter Vajda takes up this frustrating topic and offers some gritty, practical advice for handling those negative people who keep dumping their crap on us. I think you’ll like the term he uses to describe all that negativity – he calls it BMW.

BMW – Driven to Distraction
By Peter Vajda, Ph.D, C.P.C.

“My days of whining and complaining about others have come to an end. Nothing is easier than fault finding.”
- Og Mandino

BMW – (no, not the car)
BMW = bitching, moaning and whining

How often are you driven to distraction, taken off your game or lose your focus – at work, at home, at play or in relationship – due to someone’s continual venting – whining, complaining, nit-picking and fault finding? How often do you choose to allow, to enable, someone to suck your time and energy – resulting in your missing a deadline, decreasing your productivity, messing up on an assignment or interfering with your pleasure – because consciously or unconsciously you’re driven by some internal mantra that says, “I’m your friend and I need to be there for you?”

Do you enable BMW-ers because you feel that’s what a good leader, manager, co-worker, friend, partner or spouse is supposed to do? Do you enable these folks again and again even though it stresses you out or leads to passive-aggressive behavior on your part?

So, here’s the deal. BMW-ers always feel better after they’ve had the opportunity to off-load their stuff on to you. MBW-ers always feel better when they commandeer you to carry their load. Why wouldn’t they?

The important question here is, “How does your taking on their stuff, again and again, help you!?” “How does their sleeping better, feeling better support your experiencing well-being?” In a word, it doesn’t. You don’t sleep better, feel better, become more productive, or experience a heightened sense of well-being.

What actually happens over time is, you begin to experience overwhelm, fogginess, confusion, upset, resentment and exhaustion – mentally, physically and emotionally.

In reality, if you ask, “How is his/her life changing for the better as a result of my enabling their BMW-ing,” the answer (if we’re being honest, sincere and self-responsible) is in all likelihood, “not at all.”

Venting Is an Addiction

Most BMW-ers are very good at it. Most BMW-ers are addicted to their venting. It’s their drug of choice. Like most addicts, the capacity they lack is self-responsibility. BMW-ing is the venter’s way of avoiding taking responsibility for their life, for their feelings – at work, at home, at play and in relationship.

The venter’s strategy is denial – choosing to not invest time exploring their state in life. BMW-ers have no interest in exploring or admitting their role in creating upset or conflict. They have no interest in exploring the root causes of their pain and suffering. Venters hardly ever come to you and ask for support in gaining clarity about steps they can take to clean up their messes, become more mature in how they relate to life and living, learn what’s underneath their anger and anxiety. That’s what addicts are good at – denial when it comes to self-awareness, self-management and self-actualization. BMW-ers are risk averse when it comes to change and forwarding the action of their lives. Dumping – that’s their juice.

Most folks – if they’re not enablers and don’t thrive on dysfunctional relationships – will admit, deep down, their supporting BMWs’ venting does not work – for them or for the venters. Most normal, healthy human beings have a felt sense that supporting BMW-ers is self-sabotaging, yet, are unsure as to what to do. They’re conflicted by wanting to be a good friend and not knowing how to deal with a venter.

Responding to a BMW-er

So, here’s a suggestion. How about, “Well, (name of friend and/or colleague), I know my listening to you again and again makes you feel better for a while. But, honestly, I end up feeling worse. I like (love/admire/respect/honor…) you and I want to be supportive; but in my perspective it seems that your venting is not getting you anywhere; rather, your venting is addiction like sugar or alcohol that gives you a momentary sense of feeling better but in reality you are not taking responsibility for (the issue.) If you want support in working to find solutions, I’m happy to help, but I don’t want to be on the other end of your venting any more.” This is your opportunity to be honest, sincere and self-responsible.

The Buddhist monk, Pema Chodrun, likens enabling to “idiot compassion” – supporting others to one’s own detriment. An honest and self-responsible response to a BMW-er takes inner strength, courage, empathy, self-love and compassion for the other person. The question is, “Can you choose to respond in an honest, sincere and self-responsible way to a venter?” Even if the BMW-er chooses to become angry or resentful?

It’s All About the Truth

The truth is, most folks balk when someone calls them on their stuff, on their addictions, and refuses to enable them any longer. So, are you willing to face their upset, to allow them to be mad at you?

The truth is, listening to MBW-ers spew their stuff and vent is not loving yourself, and, frankly, is not loving to them. What is loving and compassionate is for you to stop enabling their addiction, even if that’s tough for them to hear.

The truth is, you may actually lose a friend or colleague if you call them on their stuff. How does that resonate with you?

The truth is, friendship – honest, conscious and healthy relationships – is a two-way street. Many BMW-ers drive on one-way streets – using you for their selfish gain – with no regard for you as a friend, colleague or partner. They drive through life – at work, at home, at play and in relationship – with a blurred vision.

The truth is, if your friend, the venter, pulls their friendship because “you don’t want to listen to me,” there never was a friendship, a dysfunctional relationship with a “victim” – but not a friendship.

So, what do you think? Do you choose to hang on and enable a BMW-er in a co-dependent and unhealthy relationship, or engage with real and true friends, colleagues and partners with whom you can learn and grow, extending mutual support and respect to one another?

“Take your life in your own hands and see what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame.”
- Erica Jong

So, some questions for self-reflection are:

• Are you the “go-to” person others seek out to dump and vent? If so, why do you think this is so?
• Do you “get something” from others seeking you out to vent? Are you addicted to others’ venting?
• Do you encourage and support others to explore solutions for their issues rather than simply allowing them to vent?
• Do you feel stressed by others’ venting? If so, is this OK? Do you put up with it? Why?
• Are you a venter? What would friends, colleagues or your partner say?
• Are you uncomfortable confronting others about their venting. Can you tell them you won’t passively listen to their venting?
• If you are a BMW-er, what does venting get you? How has venting honestly changed your life for the better?
• Do you prefer to vent rather than explore real solutions to your life’s challenges?

SpiritHeart – Coaching for Essential Well-BE-ing
— at the intersection of body, mind, emotion and spirit
Values-Based Coaching, Counseling and Training
Phone: 770.804.9125 (Atlanta, GA, USA)
E-mail: pvajda [AT] spiritheart [DOT] net
www.spiritheart.net and www.ahchiyo.com
“What makes you think work and meditation are two different things?”
— Buddha at Work

Back to Charles:
Unfortunately, it’s frequently not possible to break through and really communicate with a BMW-er. And sometimes you can’t chase them away, either (such as in a work or family relationship). So if you do your best to set them off at arm’s length and it has no effect on their behavior, here’s a suggestion that may help you reframe what’s happening.

The BMW-er is actually telling you how they see the world. Their viewpoint is sour and jaundiced, but it’s all they have. So, as sad as it may seem, they’re actually bringing you the best they have. True, their best sucks, but if they had any better to share with you, they would.

So sometimes it helps simply to see all their bitching, moaning and whining as nothing but energy. At one level, there’s a powerful emotional content, but really now, that’s all just energy, too.

In effect, they’re offering you a huge surge of energy, and it can even be a positive thing… if…

If you can remember one thing. You don’t have to accept that energy in the original form. You can choose to accept this energy in a different form and let your mind strip all the low-level intentions from it before letting it enter your energy field. And your mind can be instructed to do this automatically.

Let’s pretend that deep within your mind is a secret “emotion transformer” that can take any incoming emotional content and transform its frequency to something more neutral (or positive). Actually we don’t have to pretend. Your mind can do exactly that – and much more. You just need to be aware of this capability, switch it on, and let it run on automatic.

Now let’s say your next-door neighbor (or a co-worker) starts in on their usual bitching routine. Same old crap. But you’ve given your mind instructions to filter all input from that person through your “emotion transformer.” Once it’s running, nothing they say can really disturb you because it’s only energy. It’s as if they’re talking on and on about what a beautiful day it is, and how inspiring life is, and how much they love their job.

No pressure, no heavy cloud of negativity, no resentment nor fear nor stress. You’re transforming (reframing) all their ‘stuff’ into what’s best for you, rather than accepting junk and crap.

Remember, it’s all energy. Only energy. Try this… it’s almost magical how much easier life becomes when you’re around BMW-ers.

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles

I’ve mentioned before that a friend of mine, Peter Murphy, teaches conversational skills to people who have difficulties speaking up. And I’ve also commented that I didn’t think I could teach that skill to anybody, even though it’s one of my “natural” strengths, because I’ve never had to analyze what I do. I just do it without having to think.

In other words, it’s a skill that I’ve so completely internalized that I do it unconsciously. That’s really convenient when meeting new people, but it’s not much of a help if I have to teach it to somebody.

Well, Peter has just released a brief (under one minute) video titled “How Popular People Keep Everyone Listening.” In it he lists seven important skills for good conversation.

Go watch that video. I did, and I learned something about myself. One of the seven skills he lists is so central to talking effortlessly with others that it – alone – could make a huge difference in how comfortable you feel with people. Do this one thing and you could literally change the way people treat you for the rest of your life.

I won’t give away all seven of Peter’s principles, but the one that hooked me was No. 2 “Decide to like the new people you meet.” Now, this may sound like a silly platitude to you, but if so, I’ll bet you have trouble with people.

It’s not a platitude. In fact, it’s a principle that runs so deep in the human psyche that if you’re not doing it, you’re partially shutting yourself off from everybody you meet.

Here’s the deal – you can either wait to see how others accept you before deciding whether you can be comfortable with them, or you can go first and simply decide you’ll like them no matter what.

Does that thought sound somehow gullible? Does it leave you feeling vulnerable and exposed? If you’re having problems talking with others, you’re almost certainly waiting to feel safe before you’ll open up. And the other person is doing the same… they’re following you, while you’re following them, while they’re following….

Consider this. One important technique being taught in some sales training courses is to silently think to the other person, “I like you.” When new sales people begin adding that one little thing to their presentations, their sales soar.

When you want to think a thought, you have to find something within yourself that’s true about the statement before you can even think it. Sit conversing with another person and think “I like you,” and it becomes at least partly true. And that’s it. That’s the big secret. You go first and like them whether or not they like you yet.

You see, most people are followers – they’re reactive. And when you go first, you’re acting as the leader in the new relationship with that person. And in the vast majority of cases, they breathe a quiet sigh of relief, without even realizing it, and follow your lead… they like you in return.

So instead of hanging back, being hesitant, mistrustful and tentative… instead of waiting for the other person to show that you’re safe with them, why not go ahead and do just the opposite. Show them that they are safe with you, and they’ll respond in kind.

This gives you the freedom to relax and enjoy the conversation much sooner.

If this sounds too simple to work, please do yourself a favor. Go out and test it for the next few days. But first go watch the video – there are still six more secrets that I haven’t even mentioned here.

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles

A Prayer Across the Chasm

Shock fell heavily across the American continent on Tuesday, and it continues to roll outward in a black, morbid wave, spreading across the consciousness of the world’s people

The last few days have shown us terrible hatred and the results it spawns.

We hear stories of people who hate the United States so bitterly that they rejoice to give up their lives if it will cause hurt to this country and to its people. Their bitter and hated enemy, the USA, is termed The Great Satan. And killing its people is a holy act that will win them automatic admittance to paradise.

In America, now, we’re hearing vows of vengeance. Cold, icy rage is being expressed.

“Only an insane person could conceive such heinous acts,” we hear. “Only madmen could carry them out,” many people are saying.

Some are calling for military attacks, even before it is clear who was involved, or the extent of that involvement, in perpetrating this tragedy.

True, it is tempting to lash out at the first obvious targets. “There are names, people who we know are terrorists, and they almost certainly had a hand in this. But even if they didn’t participate this time, they’re guilty of other terroristic acts, so they should be punished anyway. Let’s go bomb somebody into the stone age. Let’s do it now.” These are some of the comments we hear coming from some outraged Americans.

But isn’t this the same thinking that mobilizes lynch mobs? Irrespective of guilt or innocence, how would a quick, angry bombing raid differ from a hanging party?

Other, cooler heads are urging caution, patience, careful investigation. They argue a need to treat any military action as a surgical procedure. Carefully, meticulously, but with the same ruthless coolness that a doctor cuts out a tumor that endangers a patient’s life.

There is some merit to this second approach.

The entire Arab world is not the enemy of Americans.

Nor are all Muslims.

Islam is a noble and great religion. But tragically, it is being hijacked by some for vicious ends, exactly as those four airliners were hijacked and used for destruction.

So the voices calling for immediate and broad-based retribution need to be calmed so that we can carefully and clearly identify our enemies. But just as carefully identify the friends who stand with us

We have seen news footage of people here and there around the world celebrating our grief. Exultation and jubilation greeted the sad news in several parts of the world.

Have you not paused for even a moment to wonder why those people hate us so bitterly? What do they see when they look at our country? What do they see when they gaze at you? At me?

What do they see? Why are they so glad of our suffering?

Is it not time to open real channels of dialog so that we can learn what their problem with us might be? Such strong emotions don’t happen in a vacuum.

Have our elected and appointed officials caused terrible things to be done to them? Are there wrongs – genuine wrongs – that need to be righted?

If there are, could we not try to find out what they are and somehow, no matter how small the steps, begin the process of healing this difference?

It takes a great hatred to build such a great schism. Perhaps an even greater love and understanding will be needed to quench that hatred and to heal it.

Is it possible?

I believe that the political and military voices advising caution and care in our retribution may be buying us enough time to begin some part of this healing process. I hope they will.

The tools these people hold in their hands are far more frightening than ever before in history. Cool heads MUST prevail or we all face dire consequences.

Can we not turn to our neighbors and simply ask them, “Please tell us what you see when you look at us with such hatred? What have we done? What CAN we do?”

My prayer.

Charles

“No right-minded person would behave that way,” we tell ourselves… and anybody else who’ll listen.

Unfortunately, we’re not quite right, ourselves. “Right-minded,” as it turns out, is a bit of a fuzzy concept. It’s hard to nail down because everybody we ask has a different idea what it means. And if we pay close enough attention, we may even notice that each person’s definition is skewed in their own favor.

Welcome to the birthplace of intolerance.

Offsetting that attitude skew is the ability of most people to accommodate some leeway in what’s “right” and acceptable in other people’s behavior. This is a good thing. It means most people never develop into fanatics, zealots or inquisitors.

You’ve probably heard the old phrase: “it’d be a boring world if everybody were the same.” Well, everybody is not the same, so there’s no danger of boredom setting in just yet.

Continuing the True Colors series this week, guest columnist Russ Hamel gives us clearer insights into that quiet guy in the office who’s a bit of a loner and who actually enjoys his own company, the Green personality.

If Only They Would Leave Me ALONE!
By Russ Hamel

Kermit the Frog Was Right…

It’s NOT easy being Green!

As citizens of this wonderful planet Earth, Greens have to face the sometimes agonizing fact that there are other people with whom they must interact on a far too frequent basis. The Greenest of Greens go through life thinking, “Things would be so much better if only they would leave me alone!”

Of course, there are many shades of Green. However, even the lightest tones will show a preference – even a need – for at least some time to themselves. Being predominantly Green myself, I can vouch for this fact. I get antsy, impatient and even grumpy when I’m around people – no matter how many – for too long, unless we are totally in sync with one another as my wife Maggie and I are. I absolutely NEED at least an hour or two of daily quiet, alone time.

I’ve been like this since my earliest recollections. Growing up in a family of seven kids, I had more than ample opportunity to interact with my siblings and their many friends. However, I was always off by myself, practicing my music or reading and researching things that were of interest to me.

I found great comfort in being alone. Playing with others, and especially having to follow their rules, was extremely difficult. Even in school, I was a “Why Guy”. I questioned everything. “Why did we have to do it THAT way? Heck, why did we even have to do it at all?”

If I didn’t get an answer that appealed to my logic, I withdrew my attention from the activity. What was the point? Of course, I spent a LOT of time in detention for being uncooperative and incorrigible. Unfortunately, the book, “True Colors” wasn’t around back in the 60′s during my formative years.

Interestingly enough, I’m the only one of my siblings to live long-distance from where I grew up. I love my family dearly and I’m in constant communication with them via FaceBook and phone. In many ways, I’m still protecting my personal, private space! Even Maggie lovingly calls me ‘Mr. Green’ when I begin showing my best Green qualities.

Greens are very easy to recognize. With my recent health issues, I’ve been able to observe many doctors and nurses. The Green ones have extremely poor bedside manners, virtually no people skills. Their answers – if they answer you at all – are always abrupt. Their body language suggests that they would much rather be back in their office doing paper work and research… ANYTHING other than dealing with people.

I know the feeling. My little six-year-old step-daughter Ambrosia is now in the ‘Why’ stage of her life. You would think a ‘Why Guy’ like me would understand and patiently answer all of her questions. NOT SO. Like my Green doctors, I have zero tolerance for small talk and almost always defer the little one’s questions to Maggie – or I simply don’t answer.

So, What Good Are Greens to Society?

Greens are tenacious problem solvers. We are always looking for a better way to do things, even if the ‘best’ way is already in place. Routines and systems are the order of the day. Greens LOVE to put things into easy-to-follow, step-by-step systems.

This is perhaps my greatest contribution to my family. All three of my ladies are True Blues – wonderfully sensitive, loving AND… so easily distracted. When Maggie and I first got together, I was appalled at the lack of structure in the home. My ladies were ALWAYS late… I doubted if they even knew what a clock was.

All that changed in a hurry. When Maggie recognized my skill in time management and keeping the girls up to speed, she gratefully handed the duties of ‘Official Keeper of the Clock’ to me. Yes, I constantly have to bark to keep my ladies on schedule. But compared to where things were before I came on the scene, Maggie will agree that it is far superior now.

I have systems and routines in place for EVERYTHING. I explain to the girls that weekday activities before and after school are just like school itself… the bell rings, it’s time for the next item on the routine. For our family, it’s the ONLY way things get done in a timely manner. Weekends are left unstructured. The girls are most grateful for that.

Can You Do It… Yes You Can!

Competence ranks high on Green’s priorities. Both Maggie and I agree that the girls should do as much for themselves as possible. The little one especially is always begging for ‘help’. And because she is so tiny and ‘cute’, she can usually manipulate others to do things for her that she could easily do for herself. Not on MY watch, Baby!

Just the other day, Ambrosia was playing on her computer when she suddenly asked for ‘help’. Both Maggie and I were close by and could have easily offered assistance. As it turned out, the ‘help’ Ambrosia requested was in reading some simple instructions in order to continue with her game. Since she is in first grade and knows enough about reading to sound out even fairly difficult words, Maggie and I told her to figure it out for herself or she would have to shut down the computer and go play something less challenging, like dolls.

Ambrosia never left the computer. Maggie and I can only assume that she did eventually figure it out.

You Call THIS Work?

I remember reading an anecdote about Thomas Edison. One day after seeing her husband working so hard, Edison’s wife Mina asked, “Tommy, why don’t you take a break from your work and do something you like for a change?”

Minutes later, Mina found her Tommy back in his workshop. Before she could protest, Edison anticipated by saying, “You told me to do something I like!”

And that’s EXACTLY how many Greens, myself included, react to their ‘work’. As long as we’re alone, we could be writing, researching, inventing… whatever. Compared to dealing with the world, our ‘work’ isn’t work at all!

Always Raising the Bar

This can be a good Green trait; sometimes it can be detrimental. Before my recent health challenges when I was exercising on a regular basis, everything was measurable and quantifiable. When I went for a run, I had my trusty stop-watch clicking off the time. Every day I pushed myself to reach a new personal best. I HAD to beat my old time by at least a second or two or I would deem myself a failure for that day!

If I did 25 push-ups today, tomorrow I had to do 26+. I was constantly pushing the envelope.

Even today I am forever measuring my recovery from my near-death experience over Christmas time, from my weight gains to how long it takes me to catch my breath after I stretch yesterday’s boundaries. This part of my personality has always concerned Maggie. Although I feign resistance, I have to thank her for keeping me in check as I could easily over-do myself.

Of course, Greens expect everyone else to raise their own personal bars, too. This is something Maggie needs to remind me about as well. Just because I push myself to new heights every day doesn’t mean that everyone else wants to or can do the same thing. As Greens need quiet and alone time, I have to realize that others may also need some down time to relax. Because this appeals to my logic, I find it easy to back off my girls… unless they get too lax, of course.

Cool, Calm and Collected

When Maggie and I first got together, she thought I was one of the most bland, expressionless individuals she had ever met. By contrast, when Maggie has something on her mind, she likes to go toe-to-toe and get answers NOW! I’ve personally experienced her wrath on several occasions and I’ll tell you, a fiery emotional Blue is not someone you want to mess with.

So yes, compared to Maggie, I easily can be read as too laid back and even ‘boring’. Although I do bark at my girls to be on time, most of that is a pre-calculated act. Inside, I delight in making the little ones jump at my commands to MOVE IT!

Otherwise, I like to think that I bring a calming stability into our home. I am definitely more logical than emotional… unless you cut into my quiet, alone time – I’ll quickly let you know about that in no uncertain terms.

Together We Make the BEST Team

I don’t know too many people who can brag about the kind of relationship that Maggie and I have. We seem to have the perfect balance with Maggie’s Blue TLC and my Green structure and organization. Since my secondary color is Blue and Maggie’s secondary color is Gold (closely resembling many of Green’s traits), we easily understand, accept and support each other. We truly have a match made in heaven.

This concludes our brief overview on True Colors. If you are even the least bit interested in what makes people tick, it is a fascinating and a most worthwhile study. (Of course, a Green would say this!) For further reading, check out the following:

“Showing Our True Colors” by Mary Miscicin based on the work by Don Lowry

“Follow Your True Colors To The Work You Love” by Carolyn Kalil and Don Lowry

Both books can be found on Amazon.com, and these links are commissionable affiliate links.

All the best from Toronto,
Russ and Maggie

The world can seem like a crazy place sometimes…
OK, a LOT of the time! However, no matter what is going on in your life, magic happens when you learn how to choose better feelings now!
You’re Gonna Love That Feeling

Back to Charles:
So there we have it – the basic personality types characterized and organized, then symbolized by colors.

Is there a bit of green in you? I must have some of that myself. I’ve always loved my quiet time, ever since I was young. Back then the experts were describing my situation as “latch-key kid.” When I got home from school neither Mom nor Dad was home yet. I had to take care of myself for three hours or more… and it was heaven. I always considered it a wonderful, quiet break from the constant bickering, fighting and sniping that went on once everybody was home.

After reaching adulthood, I found that I didn’t have very good people skills and had to work on developing them deliberately. They didn’t come quite naturally. But I did learn, and now I truly can enjoy being in crowds. Man… that’s a big change.

So these days I don’t feel the need for quiet as strongly as I did back then, but my home life is far more peaceful. Even so, I do spend much of my day at the computer without face-to-face interaction for hours at a time.

How about you? What’s your color? (Sounds a bit like a pickup line in a bar, doesn’t it?)

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles

Maybe it’s time to pause for a moment and question how we got to this point. So how DID we come to be so collectively angered at one another? Every single day the news media are saturated with violence and savagery. Movies, books and video games are overflowing with beatings, battles and body counts. Are those a symptom or a cause… or a little of both?

Today’s guest columnist Peter Vajda has some ideas about this. In fact, he suggests we take a second look at all that anger, and unexpectedly, to do it through a filter of love.

Anger – Show Me the Love
By Peter Vajda, Ph.D, C.P.C.

Anger is a human emotion, ranking up there with fear as the most common emotion. Curiously, anger is often an unconscious expression of the need for contact. Strange, but true.

Our innate essence is composed of three subtle energies – love, intelligence and power. We manifest anger when we sense a lack in one of these three energies. Here, we’ll consider the energy of love.

Anger is a form of aggression and aggression is a movement toward another entity – person, group, life, God, etc. However anger is never – ever – about the other, as much as we like to blame others to justify our anger. It is always about “me” and how I’m feeling about “me” in this moment. While we project our anger on to another, it’s important to look for what needs to be acknowledged in me – taking back my projection and looking inward. All projections we direct towards others are in essence about “me.” Understanding and learning the lessons of anger fuel our emotional and spiritual growth and development.

Anger is an expression of a “need unfulfilled.” So, when enveloped in anger, the question to ask is, “What do I want or need?” Too, fear is often a correlate of anger so we can also inquire, “What am I afraid of?”

Commonly, when we’re angry we’re consciously or unconsciously reacting to some feeling of lack or inadequacy. Often this lack pertains to power, control, recognition, security, knowledge, or love. When we inquire within to discover and explore what’s underneath our anger, we can use our anger as a doorway into a deeper issue that is bothering us. Anger is never the issue; it’s a symptom of something deeper.

For many, the feeling of lack or deficiency accompanying anger has to do with a sense of real, potential or perceived loss – e.g., a loved one, a job, a connection, health, wealth, privacy or “loss of face”, etc.

For many, anger is an often unconscious expression of loss of love (or relatedly, recognition, acknowledgment, approval). When we feel unloved, our anger is actually a calling out for love. Our call for love, i.e., our anger, comes from our feeling rejected, betrayed, abandoned, unappreciated, or unseen. What we want and need is love.

On an emotional and spiritual plane, anger is a form of disconnect – our disconnect from our self. Our ego personality is disconnected from our soul, our Authentic Self. In addition, we may feel disconnected on a social level and this disconnection results from a lack of intimacy – i.e., it’s not about not having friends, it’s about the lack of a deeper, intimate soul connection with others – the reason many feel isolated, lonely or depressed even while in the midst of an online or “real time” social network.

Anger is a common reaction to heartbreak, rejection, even simple disagreements, by those whom we love or value, or by the loss of others.

Anger is an acting out, directed toward others, and often towards those who are not directly involved. Our anger is a sign we’re hurt and more, a sign that we are seeking healing. Anger tells us we are separate from what used to be our source of strength and love.

Love, then, is a form of connection, first to our self, then to others. Connection to our True Self, our Authentic Self is what nourishes, nurtures and feeds our sense of aliveness, worth, esteem and value. Love – connection – is what gives meaning to our life and supports us to feel we have something to contribute.

So, when we feel angry, it’s important to re-connect with our inner source of strength and love. Too, we also need to move through our angry feelings and reach out to others whom we can love. Anger will never – ever – get us love. Disconnection never attracts.

The secret sauce of connection is love and caring. And connection is what supports us to feel genuinely loved and empowered. Love transcends our personal limitations in the moment and connects us to our soul. When we express love, we are able to move out of our emotional/limbic/reactive brain and rest in a place of true caring and concern for our self and others.

So, some questions for self-reflection are:

• Do you live by the mantra, “I’d rather be right than happy?”
• How is anger manifested in your home or work environment?
• Does your work or home environment trigger your anger buttons? How so?
• What emotional beliefs underlie your anger?
• What person, place, or issue creates the greatest feelings of anger or resentment in you. What is it about that person or situation that gets you angry most?
• What is your emotional belief behind that anger?
• How do you express your anger? What physical symptoms do you experience when you’re angry?
• How do you deal with your anger?
• When you become angry do you ever consider what you’re lacking or what you’re afraid of? If not, could you do that the next time you feel angry?
• When someone is angry with you, do you ever respond with love? Do you ever ask them what they’re needing or fearing? If not, could you do that the next time someone becomes angry with you?
• What was your (family’s) experience around anger like when you were growing up?

SpiritHeart – Coaching for Essential Well-BE-ing
— at the intersection of body, mind, emotion and spirit
Values-Based Coaching, Counseling and Training
Phone: 770.804.9125 (Atlanta, GA, USA)
E-mail: pvajda [AT] spiritheart [DOT] net
www.spiritheart.net and www.ahchiyo.com
“What makes you think work and meditation are two different things?”
— Buddha at Work

If you’ve been following this series of articles, you may have already recognized some of your friends and family members – maybe even yourself.

Today guest contributor Russ Hamel continues as he draws back the veil to reveal the “Orange” personality, with all its charming and not-so-charming characteristics.

How to Be a Most Unfit Dad
By Russ Hamel

If Gold is Night, Orange is Day

The two previous men in Maggie’s life – her first husband, followed by a four-year relationship with a much younger man – could not have been more different than night and day. Her husband was a true Gold. His primary color, while it seemed to have many great family-man features often manifested in smothering control. By the end of their marriage, that smothering control had turned into outright abuse.

Maggie was still going through child custody issues and brought her daughter to weekly Children’s Aid sessions when she met Mr. Orange. She definitely was NOT looking for another relationship at this time. However, true to his Orange color characteristics, he turned on his charm and swept Maggie off her feet.

At first, she was flattered that someone so young would take an interest in her. Mr. Orange was 12 years her junior. However, Maggie being a petite and gorgeous Asian woman, looked much younger than her years should have revealed. After being in such a stifling, controlling relationship, the thought of taking up with Mr. Orange seemed kind of fun… if not a bit risky and naughty. Mr. Orange made Maggie feel like a school girl again and she found herself reveling in the feeling.

Don’t Fence Me In

As with most new relationships, things were terrifically fun for the first few months. Maggie found herself doing adventurous things with Mr. Orange that she could never have even dreamed of with her ex-husband. For once, she was having the time of her life!

Soon enough though, truth showed up. Maggie was a responsible woman with a young child and a stable job. With her new relationship, she was expecting her partner to settle down and become more of a family man, contributing to the common cause with his own work. That’s when she discovered Mr. Orange’s real traits.

Oranges can be perceived as slackers. This was one of the first things Maggie noticed. Even though he was a bright enough guy, her Mr. Orange took very menial jobs such as parking cars. But because Maggie was so stable, he found it all too easy to call in sick or even quit his job when he no longer felt like working.

Mr. Orange had nothing of his own… no car, no phone – he took everything Maggie so generously shared with him and abused it to the fullest; driving the car until the gas tank was empty; running up phone bills to the tune of hundreds of dollars per month. He gave back NOTHING!

Everything to Mr. Orange was a joke. He took nothing seriously. It seems so strange that this was part of his initial appeal!

Freedom is a MAJOR issue for Oranges, and this particular Mr. Orange was no different. If he felt like going out, he would leave Maggie alone, often for entire evenings, while he went out to play with friends and relatives. He never advised Maggie where he was going or when he planned to return. You see, with Oranges, there rarely is a plan as they are totally spontaneous and in-the-moment creatures. If something better came up, Mr. Orange was there!

It Gets Worse

Mr. Orange also continued with his flirtatious ways, even months after securing a relationship with Maggie. When they went out to public places, Mr. Orange would openly flirt with other woman or compare Maggie to them. As you might guess, this did absolutely nothing for Maggie’s self-esteem and feelings of worth and security.

Perhaps the worst thing Mr. Orange inflicted on Maggie though was his extreme jealousy and lack of trust. Because he proved to be so untrustworthy himself, he believed that everyone else was like him. He constantly phoned Maggie at her work, grilling her on what she was doing; how she got to work that day (remember, he took over her car); what was she going to do on her break.

Whenever they were together, Mr. Orange continued his non-stop interrogations. Once again, Maggie found herself stuck in a most abusive relationship.

For the next four years, it was on-again, off-again. Like many single moms, Maggie feared that no one else would want her. She clung desperately to what she already had, trying to make it work, all the while knowing that this relationship was most toxic!

One day, Mr. Orange asked Maggie to have a child with him. At first, Maggie was reluctant as she already had a young daughter to look after without any help or support from her partner. Also, Maggie’s own family had pretty much abandoned her by this time as they totally disapproved of this relationship. Maggie was alone in her decision. Eventually though, she thought that this might be the key to getting her relationship back on its feet and settled down.

The new baby daughter changed NOTHING. If anything, it gave Mr. Orange more reason to escape. He continued to use Maggie for all she was worth while giving nothing back. Finally, after four years, Maggie pulled the plug.

Some Things Never Change

Even today, Mr. Orange proves to be a most unreliable and unfit dad. He cancels access with his now six-year-old daughter whenever it suits him, which is quite often. He wouldn’t even see the child during Christmas, leaving a gap of six weeks between visitations!

On the occasions when there is access, the young girl is subjected to a weekend of toxicity as her dad and his partner argue and fight abusively for much of the time. Even though he is able, her dad won’t even drive her back and forth to access, delegating the job to his partner’s brother. When it comes to his daughter, this Mr. Orange is always looking for the easiest way out. The child is already showing reluctance when it is time to visit her dad. Who can blame her? She can feel she is not wanted!

The Brighter Side of Orange

The entire previous scenario paints a very negative picture of Orange. While it accurately displays the characteristics as applied to this situation, that is not to say that Oranges are ‘bad’. In fact, in the right circumstances, there is often no better person than an Orange to have at your side.

Some of Orange’s stronger qualities include:
……… * Straight forward
……… * Easy going
……… * Good negotiators
……… * Great multitaskers
……… * Friendly
……… * Flexible
……… * Decisive

An example of a good Orange might be a paramedic. Their work requires all the great qualities of the color Orange especially in the area of being able to make quick and accurate decisions. For sure, this is exactly the type of person you want when you are going through a crisis.

As for our two dads, Maggie learned a lot from her experiences with Mr. Gold and Mr. Orange. She knew the good qualities she desired from each one. She especially knew what she didn’t like and would no longer tolerate. This prepared her for Mr. Green (um, that would be me). We’ve saved the best for last! More on the color Green in our next and final installment.

All the best from Toronto,
Russ and Maggie

The world can seem like a crazy place sometimes…
OK, a LOT of the time! However, no matter what is going on in your life, magic happens when you learn how to choose better feelings now!
You’re Gonna Love That Feeling

Back to Charles:
So did you recognize any Oranges in your life? Of course, most Orange types won’t be such pure examples as the one in Russ’s profile. Usually the types are modified or diluted by having a sub-type of another color, which can make the person a bit easier to take.

But just remember the old proverb, if life hands you an Orange, just make orange juice.

None of this is intended as an indictment or a criticism of any of the color types. It’s for your reference so you’ll know better how to deal with the people you meet.

Got a boss, a spouse or a child who drives you nuts? Maybe you just need to develop a better understanding of who they are and why they behave the way they do. Once you know what to expect from a person in any given situation, it’s easier to be prepared. You’re less likely to be caught off balance or be disappointed by their unexpected behavior.

In this case, knowledge really is power.

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles

Here’s a hint that may help you avoid receiving more spam.

In the past, maybe you’ve received one of those wonderfully inspiring stories by email that urges you to forward it on to all your friends. And maybe you’ve even forwarded one or two of them to me.

If you have, please know this – I won’t forward them on. Ever.

Anytime you see one of those “forward this” emails, it almost always has an email tracker program attached that tracks the email addresses of those folks you forward to.

The original sender (generally a cold-blooded spammer, not a warm-hearted humanitarian) is getting a copy each time that mail of his gets forwarded, and so is able to build huge lists of “active and valid” email addresses to which he then sends torrents of SPAM messages.

If you’ve been forwarding lots of those messages, now you know why you’re getting so much SPAM.

Do yourself a favor and stop forwarding those things, no matter how cute, or lovely, or inspiring you think they are. They’re just poison bait – a scam. Of course, you can’t undo all the harm you’ve already done yourself (and the friends you’ve forwarded to). But you can avoid making it any worse.

And for god’s sake, don’t forward any of that stuff to me. Inspiration like that I don’t need.

Thanks a million.

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles