One Powerful Secret to Easy, Fun Conversations
Ever wonder what makes some people such fascinating conversationalists? How do they capture the interest of others and keep them spellbound with seemingly simple chit-chat?
I’ve mentioned before that a friend of mine, Peter Murphy, teaches conversational skills to people who have difficulties speaking up. And I’ve also commented that I didn’t think I could teach that skill to anybody, even though it’s one of my “natural” strengths, because I’ve never had to analyze what I do. I just do it without having to think.
In other words, it’s a skill that I’ve so completely internalized that I do it unconsciously. That’s really convenient when meeting new people, but it’s not much of a help if I have to teach it to somebody.
Well, Peter has just released a brief (under one minute) video titled “How Popular People Keep Everyone Listening.” In it he lists seven important skills for good conversation.
Go watch that video. I did, and I learned something about myself. One of the seven skills he lists is so central to talking effortlessly with others that it – alone – could make a huge difference in how comfortable you feel with people. Do this one thing and you could literally change the way people treat you for the rest of your life.
I won’t give away all seven of Peter’s principles, but the one that hooked me was No. 2 “Decide to like the new people you meet.” Now, this may sound like a silly platitude to you, but if so, I’ll bet you have trouble with people.
It’s not a platitude. In fact, it’s a principle that runs so deep in the human psyche that if you’re not doing it, you’re partially shutting yourself off from everybody you meet.
Here’s the deal – you can either wait to see how others accept you before deciding whether you can be comfortable with them, or you can go first and simply decide you’ll like them no matter what.
Does that thought sound somehow gullible? Does it leave you feeling vulnerable and exposed? If you’re having problems talking with others, you’re almost certainly waiting to feel safe before you’ll open up. And the other person is doing the same… they’re following you, while you’re following them, while they’re following….
Consider this. One important technique being taught in some sales training courses is to silently think to the other person, “I like you.” When new sales people begin adding that one little thing to their presentations, their sales soar.
When you want to think a thought, you have to find something within yourself that’s true about the statement before you can even think it. Sit conversing with another person and think “I like you,” and it becomes at least partly true. And that’s it. That’s the big secret. You go first and like them whether or not they like you yet.
You see, most people are followers – they’re reactive. And when you go first, you’re acting as the leader in the new relationship with that person. And in the vast majority of cases, they breathe a quiet sigh of relief, without even realizing it, and follow your lead… they like you in return.
So instead of hanging back, being hesitant, mistrustful and tentative… instead of waiting for the other person to show that you’re safe with them, why not go ahead and do just the opposite. Show them that they are safe with you, and they’ll respond in kind.
This gives you the freedom to relax and enjoy the conversation much sooner.
If this sounds too simple to work, please do yourself a favor. Go out and test it for the next few days. But first go watch the video – there are still six more secrets that I haven’t even mentioned here.
Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles
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