There are lots of ways to life a life, and personal values are among the most powerful factors determining the path we choose. Is service to others your strongest value, or is it the need for respect and acclaim? Are you driven to provide for your family, or do you value money and goods most highly? All are valid choices, given an honest heart.

So as I say, there are many ways to live your life, but there’s only one way to have integrity. That one way is to act and behave exactly the same way in private as you do in public. In other words, congruency.

Ironically, by that definition, the person who is a saint, both publicly and privately, would have the same degree of integrity as the person who never hides the fact that he is a rapacious thief. Virtually nobody approaches perfection, however, so the point is more-or-less moot.

In ancient Greece, a wise man named Diogenes spent his days walking the streets of Athens with a lighted lantern looking for an honest man. Reportedly, he never found one, not even when Alexander the Great came to visit.

Just as rare as finding that one honest man is coming across a person with unwavering integrity… at either end of the spectrum (or anywhere in between). Let’s face it, most of us do a fair amount of pretending about who we are. Have you been pretending for so long that you’ve lost track of your real identity?

Today, guest columnist Peter Vajda leads us to take a closer look at our own inner congruency, as he asks us…

What Are You Doing, and Why? It’s All about Integrity
By Peter Vajda, Ph.D, C.P.C.

“What we see depends mainly on what we look for.”
– Sir John Lubbock

When we experience harmony and balance in our lives, it’s most often because there is a conscious alignment between what we think, feel, say and do. We are in integrity. Our life choices and decisions ­ at work, at home, at play and in relationship, have a “felt-sense” of being true, honest and sincere. We have a “knowing” that our thinking, feeling, be-ing and do-ing come from a place that is honest, sincere and self-responsible.

When we lack congruity between what we think, feel, say and do, we often experience a mental, emotional, spiritual and even, sometimes, a physical sense of imbalance, disconnect or dizziness. How could we not?

The ground of our being, the foundation of who we are and how we are is built on the degree of honesty in our expression – our thoughts, feelings, speech and actions. This foundation can begin to deteriorate when integrity – the concrete of the foundation – contains too much water, or too little sand or unwanted impurities. The result is our living life feeling confused, unsure, powerless – often feeling like a fake or phony.

“Honor your integrity and you will be repaid many times over with increased prosperity.”
– Sanaya Roman and Duane Packer

The way we honor our integrity is to first be clear and conscious of the values that matter most – our core values – those that reside in our heart. Secondly, we are in integrity when we live these values – holding them, speaking them and being them.

“The first and worst of all frauds is to cheat one’s self.”
– Phillip James Bailey

Self-deception

When we lack alignment or congruence between what we think, feel, say or do, most often we are living a life of self-deception – hiding from our True, Real and Authentic Self. We are a fraud. We spend much of our life telling ourselves, and others, “stories.” We rationalize, justify and argue in feeble attempts to be comfortable with our deception, our excuses, our “faux” self.

When we scan various areas of our life:
….. – career and livelihood,
….. – personal environment and organization,
….. – health and wellness,
….. – abundance and finances,
….. – play and recreation,
….. – intimacy and partnership,
….. – friends and family, and
….. – spiritual and personal growth,
… where are we in integrity and where are we out of integrity? Where are we forthright and honest and where are we dishonest, deceptive and cheating – our self and others? Where are we true to our word, our trustworthiness, our commitments and promises? Where are we taking a “left turn?”

Staying with the energy of integrity

When we are in integrity, we experience an energy, the “felt-sense” of “right knowing,” “right understanding” and “right action.” We experience a sense of strength, courage, steadfastness, discipline, inspiration, intuitiveness and will that arises from deep within. We are able to ward off thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, premises and impulses that would otherwise knock us off our game.

The way we stay in integrity is by being conscious – continually, throughout our day – asking, “What am I doing right here and right now… and why?” We’re consistently looking at our motives. Am I angry, afraid, fearful, resentful, jealous, overwhelmed, confused, etc? Am I feeling connected with others. Am I being selfish?

The question leads to motives. Motives come from values. So, an opportunity to explore what’s going on with me in this moment, and this moment, and this moment… and, why. This practice is a wonderful way to become more conscious of our fundamental motives and whether our motives truly serve us well and support our being in integrity.

Integrity – the planetary connection

“The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving.”
– Oliver Wendell Holmes

The core value of integrity is Purpose-related. Purpose points to why we’re on the planet. Many folks, if they’re being honest, will admit much of their activity lacks Purpose. When we lack Purpose, there’s no “center that holds.” Many folks can tell you what they’re doing in various life areas, but are hard-pressed to tell you why – they lack deeper, heart-driven intentionality or motives. Without Purpose-driven core values informing our thinking, feeling, speaking and action, we’re more likely than not experiencing imbalance and dis-harmony in our life – an experience that keeps us from being in integrity.

Character is most determined by integrity. Character is how we are when no one is watching. When we are out of integrity, we are dishonest and our dishonesty becomes the thread that runs through our dealing and associations – at work, at home, at play and in relationships. It’s hard for us to be trusted when we’re out of integrity.

So, when you turn off the lights tonight and tuck yourself in, are you at peace and in integrity with yourself?

Some questions for self-reflection are:

• Are there choices and decisions you need to make that could take you out of integrity?
• Do you use the same definition to define integrity for yourself as for others? If not, why not? Do you consistently walk your talk? Would others – at work, at home and at play – agree with you?
• Do your life choices and decisions support you to hold yourself in high regard?
• Do you feel integrity is a robe you can put on and take off when convenient?
• What stops you from acting in integrity?
• When you’re not acting with integrity, what kind of self-talk do you engage in?
• Do your needs for control, recognition and security stop you from acting with integrity?
• Does it matter if you’re not acting with integrity?
• Do you ever excuse, justify or rationalize acting without integrity? If so, when and why?
• On an integrity scale of 1 (low) to 10 (high), how would you rate yourself when it comes to the following behaviors: gossiping, bullying, viewing or downloading porn, stealing physical materials, stealing intellectual property, stealing time, telling the truth, making excuses, being direct, open and honest in your communications, respecting others, obeying rules and regulations, and being faithful?
• What was your experience around honesty and integrity like when you were growing up?

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I hope this reading piques your interest and curiosity about “who” you are, and “how” you are as you live your life at work, at home, at play and in relationship. I also hope you’ll share this reading with friends and colleagues, post it on bulletin boards, use it to generate rich and rewarding discussions and learning in your formal and informal meetings, in your “lunch and learn” sessions, in your workshops and training sessions, in your personal and professional discussions and perhaps include it in your newsletter.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this information with you and I hope you find this reading insightful and rewarding.

SpiritHeart is available to support you to create a culture and environment that reflects honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, respect, fairness, meaning, a sense of family and community, and conscious health and well-being at work, at home, at play, and in relationship. Our focus is on the interpersonal skills that enable individuals to work, play and be together productively with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction. Our “soft skills” focus supports individuals to relate with one another unhampered by interpersonal issues that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, healthy and productive relationships. For more information, go to

www.spiritheart.net

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“What makes you think work and meditation are two different things?”
— Buddha at Work

Back to Charles:
Fortunately we don’t have to be perfect to live a good, purposeful life that satisfies ourselves and benefits those around us. No, we’re not perfect, but does that mean we shouldn’t even bother trying? Absolutely not.

It is our privilege to live in this world and our joy to experience our Selves in an endless range of roles and situations.

Some mystics claim that each of us deliberately chooses our parents and our type of life before we are born. Yes, I’m willing to agree that this idea may be true. However, some even go so far as to say that even the most horrible monsters have purposely come here to live the kind of life they’re engaged in. Every life of tragedy, every life of sorrow and sadness. Every life of cruelty or great achievement; of despotism or nobility. And every life of high integrity or low. They’re all pre-chosen – some say.

But taking it to that extreme smacks of predetermination. And I don’t trust anything that takes away from us all hope of free choice. So my vote goes to the side that believes we can – at least to some degree – choose our own path, high or low, kind or cruel, generous or selfish.

Notice I said it’s a belief. Unlike many teachers, preachers, priests and advisors who will offer you their opinions as the “one true truth,” I’ll level with you… it’s all opinion. None of us knows for certain. I wish we did, but we don’t, so it’s all just belief. And for my part, I have opted for a belief that leaves us room for choice and change.

One of the areas in which we can exercise change and pursue a more satisfying life, one of the most effective areas is integrity. As we bring our actions into greater harmony with our claims about who we are, we find ourselves experiencing greater peace, greater harmony.

Now, this is all high-flown language and very noble sounding, but how the heck do we go about actually accomplishing this thing?

Surprisingly, it’s simpler than it looks. We just start paying close attention to our words, our actions and our feelings. Just cultivating awareness. Of course that takes some persistence, but then, doesn’t everything worthwhile…

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles