Un-Poisoning Yourself
When somebody feeds you a lame excuse, don’t you just hate it? If you’re like me, you’ll end up thinking just a little less of the person who’s trying to get a free pass after breaking their promise to us. Think about it for a second. We really dislike it when somebody does that to us and yet… when it’s our turn…
I’ve written before about the habit of using excuses rather than simply doing what we say we’ll do. This week guest author Wayne Allen gives us his own unique take on getting rid of this poisonous habit, as he suggests…
Dropping the Excuses
By Wayne C. Allen
You Either Do it, or You Don’t
So, I’m thinking that training as a psychotherapist is not a bad model for learning to exercise self-mastery.
What I’m thinking is that doing an academic counselling degree has two components: textbook and experiential. Things are apparently different now, but back when I was a student in the early 80s, you showed up at your practicum location, and within a day or so, they handed you your first couple of clients.
In other words, you learned by doing.
And this is the key to this series of articles. Nothing in your life changes until what you are doing changes.
Excuses, Excuses
I often hear lists of excuses for not doing things differently. It’s always a variant of, “I can’t do (whatever) until I’m sure I’ll do it right.” I’m surprised how often this is said with a straight face.
I did a communication exercise once at a workshop with a woman who used the model quite well.
She said, “I’ve been taking communication courses for 5 years, so I can learn how to communicate with my son.” She indicated that she hadn’t actually tried it with him, but was getting closer.
I suggested she stop taking courses and actually communicate with her son, as she was doing a great job with me.
She was amazed.
The Myth of: It ‘Should’ be Easy!
The flip side of this, which happens a lot these days, due to the emphasis on easy and quick, is that many people expect (seemingly paradoxically) that ‘getting it’ should be easy.
The other day, a person seeking therapy told me she’d tried other approaches and now wanted the ‘quick fix.’ I suggested that she actually implement some of the ‘slow fixes’ she’d learned, but never applied.
I remember working with a client, briefly, who wanted to get a Masters in counselling without first having to go through the bother of a BA. She’d been working at a Women’s Shelter, and decided that the University should take her 5 years experience and that she was 45 into account, skip the whole, tedious BA thing, and let her start an accelerated MA. She was highly offended that they didn’t see it that way.
This approach might be thought of as instant enlightenment, without the work.
How Annoying!
Many annoy themselves when I mention that changing one’s behaviour is simple, yet hard and endless.
- It’s simple because the solution is always the same: “Do something different.”
- It’s hard because we resist what we judge as the burden of change.
- It’s endless because you have to do it all the time, every time.
The Self Mastery Connection
That’s why I talked about self mastery in a previous article. Many are the excuses for anything but.
Some think they are too stupid or weak or scared.
Others blame upbringing or present circumstances.
I’ve actually had people tell me that my relationship with Darbella looks easy, and therefore it must have to do with both of us being experts and special people. I laugh.
Last weekend we were in Montreal, visiting a friend. On the way home, we stopped at a Rest Stop, and I decided to use a stall for ‘morning ablutions.’ I walked in, and looked on top of the toilet paper dispenser.
There, neatly propped up, was a red index card, which read:
“Willpower is my Selfhood.” |
Now, I’m a synchronicity and irony kind of guy, but that one was really interesting. The language is a bit kludgy, but I grok where he is coming from. I might put it, “Self mastery is self-less” and I’d likely be meaning the same thing.
The Buddha said some variant of, “All that you are is a product of what you have thought.” He meant that how we think determines our self-identity and our view of the world. It’s not the ‘right’ view, but rather how we frame our reality. Once we get the joke that the frame is warped by our perceptions, we can have a laugh and let it go.
The letting go, however, is an action. Let’s say you’re afraid to try something. Typically, you maintain this stance by remembering all the other times you were afraid of something, similar and dissimilar. In other words, you try to rationalize staying stuck in fear by referencing other times you were afraid. Seems reasonable, right?
Well, it is, if what you want to do is stay stuck in fear.
The alternative is not to plunge ahead with reckless abandon (although that can be fun and I am often a fan of it.) The alternative is to acknowledge the fear (“Hi again, fear!”) while stating what you will do. And then doing it.
Thus, the Buddha might say, “All that you are is what you are doing.”
Next issue (see below), we’ll look at self mastery through acting, without excuse.
In the mean time, listen to the stories you repeat, endlessly, that are specifically designed to keep you stuck, hurting, and a victim of your own stories. Notice the attraction of endlessly delaying changing your words and behaviours (you can’t change your thoughts, but you can stop believing them.) Notice your desperate search for the magic cure that will ‘fix you, once and for all.’
Drop the delays and get on with acting in the direction you choose to go. Practice what you are learning, all the time. Notice you are getting better at it, with practice.
Then, have a breath and sense the power of self-mastery.
Article 2 in this series is about clearing your perceptions.
Seeing the Light
By Wayne C. Allen
I’ve got a great little story…
Darbella and I were off to the hair stylist yesterday, and I gained a great, practical story. Our stylist, Kathryn, has, for the last 2 years, been on a self-discovery quest, and in a lot of respects, she’s done a great job. Back in late 2004, when my book, This Endless Moment came out, she had just begun methodically changing both her story and her actions.
I mentioned my book and she indicated she wasn’t a reader. I thought, I could record the book so she could listen to an audio book! (I also have a friend up in Port Elgin with low vision, (hey Lib! Happy 44th!) so there would be a double reason. I recorded and produced the audio book, and took her one.
Month after month, she’d say, “I know… I know… I haven’t listened to it yet.” And then she’d list reasons, mostly around not having a CD player in her car. And I’d laugh and shake my head. Excuses, excuses…
This time, “Wayne! I listened to it all! And boy, do I have questions!”
And thus began an hour of the three of us discussing self-responsibility. But here’s the odd piece. She is great at self-responsible talk, and is getting great at dealing with others. The only issue is, she often doesn’t notice how good she is getting.
The Gentle Approach
She told us, (and I think this is a perfect story about how good she is) , that her husband came home recently, and seemed to be in a good mood. However, as the night progressed, his mood darkened. Now, in the past, this would have led to silence, an argument, blaming, something non-pleasant. This time, rather than biting, Kathryn asked him if he’d like to share what was up for him.
He said that he was upsetting himself over a sign that was posted at work.
From Now On,
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He said, “I can’t believe it! I do my job! I’m going to tell my boss off, and demand to be paid for the extra 15 minutes!”
As I said, in the past, this would have led to Kathryn saying something, and her husband saying more, and off to the races they go. This time, Kathryn said, “Close your eyes. Imagine the sign. Think about where it is hanging. And ask yourself this. Do you wear a uniform at work?”
He opened his eyes, and said, “Hmm. I don’t wear a uniform at work, and the sign is in the mechanics’ area.” He then got quiet and went to bed.
Next day, he comes home, all excited. “You’ll never guess what! That sign is just for the mechanics, not for me!”
Kathryn just smiled (and no “I told you so!”)
Drama Is as Drama Does
As we’re always saying, the internal dramas and emotional upheavals are entirely optional. The husband, in this case, was upsetting himself over his fantasy about the sign, and making himself all indignant and angry – and the sign had nothing to do with him!
As Mark Twain put it, “I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”
The Courage to Act
Yes, it’s really all about having the courage to conquer your fears by acting in a new way. Another Twain quote: ” Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.”
We call this ‘acting as if…’
It takes both courage and persistence to change what does not and has never worked into something that does work. This is radically different from what I see a lot of. People expecting others to change so they can be happy, for example. Then they learn a few skills and find better ways to talk, but the message is the same: “I expect you to change, or the world to change. I have all my beliefs and affirmations in place, and here I sit, waiting.”
Our friend Kathryn is ‘doing,’ and beginning to notice that things are shifting. In the end, this is the solution to all dilemmas.
Wayne C. Allen is a Psychotherapist in Private Practice in Ontario, Canada and the author of several highly regarded books. As a therapist, he teaches his clients to be self-responsible. He uses directed, Zen-based, cognitive and humanistic therapy to work with the mind, along with bodywork, breathwork, and chakra energy work to address the body. Read more of Wayne’s articles at his Phoenix Centre Blog.
Back to Charles:
When you take the initiative for running your own life, you don’t need for others to change. Please notice that in each of Wayne’s stories, where there was a successful resolution, there was nothing about defending territory. Just the opposite… it was about learning to see things from a more useful perspective and then acting to change cause and effect in light of that new viewpoint.
This is wisdom. Pure wisdom
Another bit of useful how-to is this: don’t wait till you’re in the fire to look for a way out of it. Once you’re in it, you’re already on automatic, you’re disconnected from your best analytical thinking, and thus highly unlikely to think of anything sensible while under pressure.
Go Google the term “Amygdala Hijack“…
That’s exactly what’s happening to you, once you’re in the fire. So the time to get out is before it ever happens. Plan ahead, practice and rehearse, get your ducks in a row before the glitch hits the fan, and you’ll be better prepared to gracefully handle situations that formerly kicked your butt.
Revisit situations which didn’t come out well for you in the past. Stop looking for ways to “win” in those situations and instead seek out ways to understand the other person’s needs. Note: this does not mean surrender. Look for ways to resolve and de-fuse tensions and drop the idea that somebody has to come out on top. Anytime somebody’s on top, that’s not a win-win.
So do your thinking, analysis, rehearsing and planning in advance, because that will be your surest route to un-poisoning yourself and living a life that works without excuses.
Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles
