Maybe any relationship CAN work… but the sad fact is, most don’t; over 60% end in divorce in the US. In other countries, even though the divorce rate may not be as high, it’s probable there are just as many broken, bleeding family ties. In those places, couples don’t divorce quite so readily, but they do hide the symptoms of discord from the public eye, keeping their arguments, abuse and despair dark family secrets.

Most people recognize that making a relationship work requires, first and foremost, the intention to do so, and that, second, it takes a true commitment to the other partner’s well being and happiness. Where failure occurs, one or both of these is lacking somewhere. And it’s got to be mutual. One willing partner does not make a relationship. We pretty much get all that… but…

Today, guest columnist Russ Hamel begins a new series for us on how to get your relationship to thrive and be healthy, and how – provided both partners are willing – to turn it into a satisfying and joyous life together.

Making Relationships Work When There’s No Way
By Russ Hamel

Is Love Really Blind?

For me it was love at first sight. Something inside of me said, “There she is; she’s the one.’ During the last five years of my rapidly declining first marriage, I had already started dreaming about my ideal relationship. I wrote long lists of the traits and characteristics I would prefer to find in my perfect partner. When Maggie walked into my life, I KNEW exactly who she was.

It took a bit longer for Maggie to recognize me as the person she had been seeking all her life. She had just enrolled her daughter at my music school. During the interview, she mentioned that she was a single mom. That caught my attention. However, for Maggie, I was merely her kid’s new piano teacher – a nice guy and a very competent teacher to be sure, but nothing more.

Over the next few months, I would come out between classes and strike up brief conversations with Maggie, mostly about her daughter’s progress. Occasionally though, I would slip in a little tease or jab. Maggie would later reveal that she went to work the next day and talked about her kid’s music teacher and how ‘weird’ he was sometimes. Her co-workers laughed and teased her back, “Dude, he LIKES you! He’s PLAYING with you!”

The Game Is On

The phone weighed 1,000 lbs. as I picked it up to dial Maggie to ask her out for coffee and a chat. It was 2005 and I hadn’t done the dating scene since 1981. I was very much out of dating practice and I was shaking with nervousness. Rejection was my biggest fear. What a major let-down it was to hear Maggie politely decline my offer as she was, “Already in a relationship.” She was still involved with her younger daughter’s dad, albeit it was the tail-end of a stormy, extremely abusive, four-year, on-again-off-again deal. She didn’t tell me THAT on this particular phone call. I spent the next three days miserably depressed.

Apparently over that time, Maggie gave my offer some careful consideration. Could this be HER chance for a better life? I WAS a nice guy. Her kid LOVED me as a music teacher. Maggie called me and said, “I told you I was in a relationship. I’ve been trying to make it work for four years but I think it’s best that I end it now. What was that offer you made for coffee and a chat?”

That was a Wednesday night. I don’t think I touched ground until our date the following Saturday. My body was shaking again, this time with uncontrollable excitement. At age 52, I hadn’t felt this alive in years! Our first date – a chat for about an hour over coffee – sealed the deal. Although I didn’t say anything out loud lest I scare Maggie away, I committed to her in my heart right then and there. For the first time in a long time, Maggie felt something wonderful, too. Compared to what we both had before, our new relationship was going to be HEAVEN!

I See Your True Colors and That’s Why I Love You

As with most new relationships, Maggie and I were instantly love-struck. In answer to the question, “Is love really blind?”, both of us would now quickly admit “YES!” It’s so easy to show your best facade during an evening’s chat over dinner and a movie. However, living together 24/7 quickly exposes your ‘True Colors’.

Name the contrast – night and day, black and white… whatever. That would describe Maggie and me. On paper, there is NO WAY we should be getting along. And yet we do. This series of articles explains exactly how and why we function so well as a couple. And our relationship is only getting better. It is our hope that our stories and examples will give you insight into your own relationships so that you too, can soon have the type of love and friendship with your family, friends and co-workers that today seem but a dream.

For years, I have been a student of personal development. My strength is in encouraging others to be all they can be. Maggie always wanted to become a career counselor. After her two previous abusive relationships, I was the first man in her life to encourage her to follow her dream. As a result, Maggie began taking courses towards her Counseling Diploma. Through her studies, she came across a wealth of material on personality dynamics including ‘True Colors’, the work of Don Lowry upon which these articles are based.

Who Doesn’t Like to Hear More About Themselves?

One thing Maggie and I DO have in common is our passion for ‘People Study’. We both have a need to know what makes other people tick. As I mentioned above, I was committed to Maggie from our first date. Maggie’s intention was to have a rock-solid relationship so she could give her girls a healthy model, instead of the abusive kind they had already endured in their young lives. I have to be honest though; I seriously doubt that this would have been possible without

• Our unshakable intention to make our relationship work
• The understanding we gained through the help of personality tools such as ‘True Colors’

Maggie was truly excited when she introduced me to her new discoveries. ‘True Colors’ helped us understand for the first time in our lives why we were the way we were. Further, it also showed us how to use our innate tendencies to get along with contrasting and even conflicting personalities and turn them into complements to our own styles. What would that kind of knowledge and understanding be worth to you?

For example, Maggie is predominantly a ‘Blue’ according to ‘True Colors’. My dominant color is ‘Green’.

• Blues are natural caretakers, forever nurturing and looking after the needs of others.
• Greens on the other hand need independence and can be extremely private, preferring to work alone.
• Blues are very passionate and lean towards the dramatic side in everything they do.
• Greens are cool, calm and collected – deadly boring by Blue’s standards – considering expression of feelings to get in the way of relationships.
• Blues are true romantics. They get their pleasure from providing romance for their lover.
• Greens are very complex. Everything is systematic, including their approach to relationships.

Are you starting to get the overall picture that Maggie and I have a steep uphill climb ahead of us? LOL

Mind you, everyone has a bit of all four colors mixed into their unique personalities (Blue, Gold, Orange, Green). And sometimes, depending on the situation, the weakest color out of your combination may outshine all the others. Most of the time though, it’s our inborn tendencies that come through. Learning about your natural inclinations so that you may finally ‘go with the flow’ can make such a tremendous difference in your life. Understanding other people’s contrasts and even their conflicts can go a long way in helping you and your associates turn them into complements.

Does this sound interesting to you?

Great! The next article in this series will set up a bit more background on the history of True Colors. As well, we will briefly discuss the cautionary distinction of using this valuable tool for stereotyping as opposed to a key for understanding. As with any personality analysis tool, it is all too easy to permanently ‘label’ people and put them into a box.

I’ll be back soon with more personal stories. Hopefully they will show how you, too, can overcome the most contrasting and conflicting differences in your own relationships.

All the best from Toronto,
Russ

The world can seem like a crazy place sometimes… OK, a LOT of the time! However, no matter what is going on in your life, magic happens when you learn how to choose better feelings now! You’re Gonna Love That Feeling

Back to Charles:

In relationships it’s clear that, with so many variables at play, there needs to be some kind of unifying force to hold things together. Without that, it can be torture for both of the partners as well as any children living within their influence.

But making a relationship work takes more than good intentions. It also requires interpersonal skills, understanding and communication. In other words, down-to-earth, nitty gritty stuff.

The good news is, the skills can be learned. Given good intentions and compassion, it’s possible to train those qualities, sharpening and focusing them into ready tools for building harmony.

My own relationship history loosely parallels that of Russ, so I can strongly identify with his story. If you haven’t yet met the future love of your life, or even if you have, I encourage you to follow along as we explore what it takes to consciously craft a strong relationship. One that will stay loving, nurturing, passionate and healthy.

And along the way, if you have questions – or points you’d like to see Russ cover – please do leave a comment and let us know.

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles

Related Posts:

1. Better Relationships Through Simply Communicating
2. True Colors – Orange Is for Excitement