If people are constantly disappointing you, it’s not their fault. If they’re forever irritating you, getting in your way, arriving too early, too late or somehow doing things to inconvenience you, this also is not their fault.

As we recognize, you and I are living in the world we create from the thoughts we habitually think. This applies as well to the people we attract into our daily experience (and their actions). Their behavior, their treatment of you, their attitude toward you and everything else in relation to you is your own doing.

Did you ever realize you were so powerful?

Wayne Dyer, in one of his early books, wrote that “…people treat us the way we teach them to treat us.” And while that’s certainly true, what we’re talking about here goes even deeper. Essentially, what we experience from others is a result of a “reality filter” which we tune by what we actively look for and expect in others.

When our neighbor, Mr Jones, does something “inconsiderate,” such as parking his car to block our driveway or playing his music extra-loud while we’re trying to sleep, the “meaning” of that action is supplied by us. Some meanings we supply may be maddening, others could be harmless, and still others helpful. Before you automatically disagree, spend some time exploring possible scenarios in which each of these three meanings might be true – for you.

I’m serious. This is spiritual work, and it may lead to some internal surprises.

In line with this, today’s guest author Peter Vajda suggests we carefully examine the snap judgments we form about others.

Before You Call Me Bad, Wrong or Stupid…
By Peter Vajda, Ph.D, C.P.C.

The Indian philosopher Krishnamurti remarked: “The highest form of intelligence is the ability to observe without evaluating.”

Consider:

• Are some folks you see lazy, or do they just do lazy things?
• Are some kids you see stupid, or do they just do things differently from you?
• Are some co-workers non-creative or do they just approach tasks in a way you wouldn’t?
• Are some bosses cold and calculating or do they just manage in ways you might not?
• Is your spouse/partner too independent or does s/he just have a different orientation to how they view a relationship?

Judging as the Cause of Disconnects

One of the major causes of disconnects between and among people – at work, at home, at play and in relationships – is our tendency to not only make observations of their behavior, but to dive into immediate judgmental evaluations about their character.

When we observe another and immediately affix a label to them, based on a behavior, we move away from seeing the wholeness and totality of that person.

Today, many of us engage in knee-jerk, judgmental reactions, criticisms and analysis of others who, in some way, shape or form, appear “different from me.” We are quick not only to point out the “bad-ness” or “wrong-ness” of another but to evaluate who they are based on observations of their behavior: Mary’s lazy, John’s a procrastinator, Julia’s unhealthy, Steve’s a poor soccer player, Susan’s an angry person; Mario’s a narcissist, Jane’s aggressive; Art’s a complainer. None of these judgments is an observation; none of these criticisms points to a simple, objective behavior. All of these are judgments we feel we need to make about a person based on what we observe.

The next time you find yourself making a knee-jerk reactive judgment, perhaps ask first, “What is that person doing or saying that makes me feel some sense of discomfort?” And then ask yourself, “Why can’t I seem to just notice the behavior without needing to make a judgment or offer an evaluation?” In fact, it would be interesting if during your day you could actually discern between your observations and your evaluations. Many can’t as the habit of observing and judging is so ingrained.

Why We Judge Rather than Observe

When our ego-personality, rather than our heart and soul, is driving, our GPS is based on looking at the landscape from a “like-dislike” perspective. Built into a “like-dislike” perspective is an evaluative process based on ego-based emotions, feelings, character, qualities, styles, etc. So, the more someone is “not like me,” we feel a tendency to “push away” from, or be less attracted to, them. All of this is based on our need, often unconscious, to “be right.”

When someone behaves – in thought, word or deed – in a way that does not compute with how we feel the world should be, we feel challenged; our “rightness” is challenged. And when we feel challenged, we feel the need to “defend our rightness.” And in defending our “rightness,” we’re looking to experience and support a psycho-emotional safety and security with “who I am.”

The judgment and evaluation is how we “defend” our self – our rightness. If I can make them “bad” or “wrong,” then I’m right or good. This dynamic is also the underlying foundation of bias and prejudice. This dynamic, for many, is characteristic of living in a world of duality – good vs. bad; right vs. wrong; intelligent vs. stupid, etc.

Moving Beyond Duality

The way we move beyond our dualistic tendency is to suspend judgment – to observe without evaluating. When we transcend our ego-personality and come from a place of presence – observing from our heart and soul – we look to the essence of another individual. From this place we suspend what we like and dislike, we suspend our bias, and allow our soul to look at the Truth (not ego-based subjective truth) – a deeper and intuitive true and real sense of another based on respect, tolerance and understanding.

When we suspend judgment, and relate to another from this heart-felt place of expanded consciousness, we’re not driven from a like-dislike perspective; rather, we relate from a place where we can sense, feel and know another for who they are, independent of and regardless of my own personal, ego-based, likes and dislikes. From this place, I can suspend (my ego-based need for) judgment.

When we’re open and accepting of another from a heart-felt place, we find we are similar; we are able to accept their personalities without discomfort, resistance, resentment, or difficulty – as we’re relating on a heartfelt, soul level where love and understanding fill the space between us. Here, we just notice another and respond with a “Hmmm, that’s interesting”-type response and move on without a reactive evaluation.

Not by 9:00 Tomorrow Morning

The process towards accepting and understanding, for many of us, will not happen immediately – especially for those of us in whom the habit of judging is a deeply ingrained and unconscious, knee-jerk habit. But there are qualities and behaviors we can focus on to move in the direction of being open and accepting of others who push our buttons: patience, understanding, appreciating differences, recognizing the Essential Nature of others, and being open to, valuing and allowing the uniqueness of others.

When we focus on these qualities and behaviors, like and dislike discontinue being part of the relationship equation – they’ll be replaced by compassion, empathy, love, acceptance and understanding.

So, some questions for self-reflection are:

• Do you know the difference between an observation and a judgment/evaluation? What is it?
• Are you quick to judge? What would your friends, co-workers, or spouse/partner say?
• If you have a tendency to be judgmental, why do you think that’s so? What do you “get” by being judgmental?
• Do you blame others for much of your discomfort?
• Do you become defensive in some way when you encounter folks – at work, at home, at play, in relationship  – who push your buttons, e.g., do you avoid, judge harshly, become antagonistic or controlling, or critical?
• Where in your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship – is greater understanding, acceptance and love needed? Would resolving to take steps in this direction be something you can choose to do? If not, why not?
• Do you feel you engage others from a soul-centered, or ego-personality perspective?
• When you were growing up, were your parents, primary caregivers or others judgmental?
• Can you envision a world where people can observe one another without evaluating or judging?

SpiritHeart – Coaching for Essential Well-BE-ing
— at the intersection of body, mind, emotion and spirit
Values-Based Coaching, Counseling and Training
Phone: 770.804.9125 (Atlanta, GA, USA)
E-mail: pvajda [AT] spiritheart [DOT] net
www.spiritheart.net and www.ahchiyo.com
“What makes you think work and meditation are two different things?”
— Buddha at Work

Back to Charles:
Are you beginning to sense the distinction between observing what people do and supplying your own private meanings for those actions? The first is quiet and neutral, and it leaves room for un-self-centered acceptance of the other person. The second is the opposite.

And don’t be fooled – even when someone’s actions inspire within us feelings of love, trust and admiration, that’s still a value judgment. So yes, even when our reaction is “positive,” it’s still something we’re supplying, and that habit can turn on us at any time. What happens when we have a bad day (or the other person does)? That’s how we set ourselves up to be “betrayed” and “disappointed” by people.

Better to keep our judgments of others clean and uncluttered. That frees us to deal with them unencumbered by misunderstandings or selfish motives. This is the only platform from which we can begin to love others unconditionally.

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles

Related Posts:

1. Better Relationships Through Simply Communicating
2. Are Your Relationships Easy-Come, Easy-Go?