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You are here: Home / SelfHelp / Self Help Is Not Mysterious

Self Help Is Not Mysterious

4

Self help is not mysterious. It’s not even difficult. It all boils down to a few commonsense things. Once you know these few things, there’s not much excuse for ever feeling helplessness, frustration, anger or fear ever again.

First principle: Know what you want.
Second principle: Know why you want it.

With those two facts, you know which way to face.

Next are the 7 skills you’ll need for exercising control of your life.

Skill 1. Know how to turn up and down the intensity of any thought or feeling.

Skill 2. Know how to adjust your self image.

Skill 3. Know how to import strengths.

Skill 4. Know how to release outcome anxiety.

Skill 5. Know how to release identification with “your” history.

Skill 6. Know how to forgive yourself and like yourself the way you are right now.

Skill 7. Know how to mentally replay your successes at will.

And an important addendum – no matter what mistakes you make (and you will), learn to say “Next.”

The truth is, you’ve studied enough self help to know half a dozen methods for achieving those 7 skills. But if you’re typical, you’re not using what you know. Or you’ve used it in a half-assed way and it wasn’t perfect the first time or two you tried it, so you went looking for something magic that won’t require you to practice and learn.

Instead, try this – get back in the saddle. Do the things you already know to do. Then do them again. And again. Till you get good at them.

And that’s the big secret.

Cheers,
Charles

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Posted by on Thursday, July 15, 2010 at 10:15 am 
Filed under SelfHelp · Tagged with anxiety, fear, self help, self image

Comments

4 Responses to “Self Help Is Not Mysterious”
  1. peter murphy says:
    July 16, 2010 at 12:00 am

    All I would add is to adapt your approach early and often based on
    objective feedback from the environment!

    Good post – straight to the point. No need to write another 400 page
    book with the “secrets”.

    Yep, you got the point. As I was finishing up this piece, I realized this could easily be the last self-help article I ever write. Once you know how to live with acceptance and without fear, what else is there to learn?

  2. Mark McClure says:
    July 19, 2010 at 9:37 am

    Charles,
    re “with acceptance and without fear”:

    My take on self help is that there are two experiences going on:

    self-help
    Self-Help

    self help (the little self) is that part of ‘me’ who’s taking in the environmental feedback that Peter mentioned, doing its best, but often mixing up objective and subjective data (hey, I’m human!)

    Self help (the big self) is a wiser, humbler self (you can interpret who or what that Self is metaphysically, or in terms of human potential. Either works IMO) who’s gotten pretty good at applying those skills you mentioned and sticks around to help out when little self needs a nudge, shove or just some TLC.

    But it’s always little self who takes the bouquets and the brickbats because that’s how life skills are improved. Of course, no reason why others can’t congratulate or commiserate.

    Thinking of that great Sister Sledge song, “We are Family” ;-)

    What a delightfully clear and simple way of describing the difference. The cool thing is that, as our little self grows in skills and insights, it more and more comes to resemble our bigger Self. Or to put it the other way round, we could say that our big Self IS our little self, but without the fears, doubts, insecurities and other limitations that our little self drags along with it in day-to-day life.

    Paradoxical isn’t it, that the more freight and baggage we discard, the bigger we become.

  3. Brenda Freeman says:
    August 29, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    Couldn’t agree more with this post. Over the years, I have attended quite a number of different courses, and quite often you see the same people complaining about the same problems they had the previous time you saw them. for them, nothing has changed.

    Knowing the information towards your self-help is really a minor part of making change, as you said in your post. Without action, the knowledge is useless, and may even be detrimental.

    Motivation to make change is one small step, but unless the changes are started straight away , the motivation dwindles very quickly.

    For me, making changes, no matter how small creates the momentum towards the big changes.

    Exactly right, Brenda. Many, many people seek “motivation” like it’s some kind of holy grail that’s going to miraculously make everything right in their life. Truth is, motivation is simply the urge to do something.

    Until there’s action, nobody knows whether we have motivation or not. It’s like having gasoline in the tank. We may have a huge, oversize tank filled to overflowing with fuel, but until we start the car, put it in gear and start moving, all that gasoline is meaningless. Same with motivation. As you say, only change can create momentum.

  4. arina nikitina says:
    October 10, 2010 at 10:09 am

    Hey, Charles! Cool post here! I couldn’t agree with you more. The seven skills are worth elaborating for people who want to know more about self-help and its various aspects. Hmmm… That gives me an idea on areas I should focus some more time on.

    And by the way, I’ve heard often that it’s miserable housewives and shy, grown-up men that visit our websites to get help. It’s so not true! All kinds of people want help with something, many more strive to understand or find meaning with their lives, others simply want to know techniques that would help them find their purpose and joys. Self-help has long digressed from being a mystery; it has become a necessary direction for most people.

    These points should continue to inspire you, Charles… and many others out there who share their light and wisdom to help others. Good job and do keep it up!