Dimensions of a Dog
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“Gramps,” I said, “What’s the fourth dimension like?” It was a hot August afternoon, the kind where you only want to lie around and pant or drowse on the shady front porch.
I looked down the street. The heat ripples dancing silently above the pavement were the only thing moving. There wasn’t even a breeze to stir the leaves of the big oak standing above us.
Gramps gave a long blink, turned his head slowly toward me, and smacked his lips lightly. “Sonny,” he said, “Why would a coon dog be interested in the fourth dimension?”
I stretched my hind legs further out on the porch behind me and lowered my head to rest on my front paws to show my respect for his viewpoint, but I had no intention of backing down.
“I’m just curious,” I told him. He continued looking at me with that heavy gaze. Finally he gave a slow blink again, and I went on. “Sometimes in the evenin’s when you go over and sit on the front porch with Professor Cooley, doesn’t he talk to you about those kind of things?”
Gramps watched the heat waves do their street dance for a while.
“Sonny, humans just don’t think the same way we dogs do.” Gramps paused to see if I understood him. I raised my head a bit to show I was paying attention. “And lots of times when they seem to be talkin’ to somebody, they’re not really.”
“You mean,” I asked, “You mean like when a dog scratches, but he might not really be chasing a flea?”
“Exactly,” he said. “Sometimes it’s just somethin’ to do… to help a feller feel better. But with humans, it’s somethin’ they do to help them think better.”
I turned that over for a while, then asked, “Doesn’t Professor Cooley teach mathematics over at the college?”
Gramps’ eyes showed his amusement. “Lil’ Famous,” he said to me, “In a lot of ways you’re just like your Daddy. You’re young and strong, and every bit as good as your Daddy at treein’ a coon. But Big Famous didn’t get that name by layin’ around thinkin’. Nossir, he was the most famous huntin’ dog in this end of the state. He loved it. You’re like that, too. So don’t waste your time on understandin’ humans until you’re old and can’t do anything else. Be like your Daddy.”
“Daddy got his head clawed off by a bob-cat when he was just four,” I reminded him. Gramps’ eyes changed from amused to cloudy. I hadn’t meant to be so blunt.
After a while I asked again, “Gramps, what’s the fourth dimension like?” I wasn’t sure he was going to answer me, he waited so long.
“Do you know what the first three dimensions are?” he finally asked.
“I think so,” I told him. “I’ve thought about it some, and it would be like measurin’ this porch. It’s about twenty-five steps long, about eight steps wide, and maybe an easy jump high.”
Gramps’ eyes showed amusement again. “Looks like you have thought about this some, Lil’ Famous.” He paused a bit, then went on. “Since the first three dimensions are just measurements, then the fourth dimension is just a measurement, too.”
I know I must’ve looked blank. Measurement? I regarded the porch first in one direction, then the other. I tried cocking my head sideways. Even that didn’t help.
Measurement?
Walking over to the edge of the porch, I looked down. Still just an easy jump from the ground.
Gramps was looking the other way, panting lightly, paying me no attention.
Measurement? Puzzled, I ambled back to my spot and flopped down. “I can see how long the porch is, how wide it is, and how high it is, but what else is there to measure?
“Lil’ Famous,” he said, “How old do you reckon this porch is?”
This time I went even blanker than before. Why was he changing the subject? I decided to humor him.
“Well, Gramps, I heard you say once that they built this porch when you were a pup, so I guess it’s about fourteen huntin’ seasons old.”
Gramps nodded and blinked his eyes slowly. “And how old do you figure that porch across the street at Widow Hastings’ house is?”
Widow Hastings’ house was in sorry shape. I looked at it doubtfully. The porch was so bad that Sam, the collie pup from down the block, fell through it just last spring. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a porch that’s unsafe for dog or human to lie down on.
“Well, it must be a lot older than this porch.”
“How do you know that, Lil’ Famous?”
“It looks older.”
“Well, it’s not,” mused Gramps. “That porch was built the same season as this one; the Widow just hasn’t had anybody paint it or keep it up.”
“But Gramps, what’s that got to do with the fourth dimension?”
“Sonny, how long something exists IS its fourth measurement.”
“Oh, you mean,” I asked, “You mean these two porches have the same age, so they have the same fourth dimension?”
“No, Sonny. The porch we’re on probably has a longer time measurement. It’s painted and fixed up every couple of huntin’ seasons, so it’ll be standin’ when that one over there has been torn down and hauled away.”
“But we don’t know that for sure, do we Gramps? I mean, this one could burn down tonight, and that one over there might go on for two or three more seasons.”
“That’s right, Sonny. But by thinkin’ ahead and using good judgment, we can try to make things last longer.”
“Like staying home and learning about humans, instead of goin’ out and tanglin’ with bob-cats,” I said.
“Somethin’ like that,” Gramps conceded.
“Well, if that’s the fourth dimension, then what’s the fifth dimension like?”
“Lil’ Famous,” sighed Gramps, “We’ve talked enough about dimensions today. Ask about somethin’ else.”
“Sure, Gramps. How come humans talk to us dogs all the time but they never listen?”
“Maybe,” Gramps said dryly, “maybe we’d better talk about dimensions, after all.”




Interesting departure, Mr. Burke.
Like.
Speakin’ o’ fluff, here’s my dog contribution.
When I was a kid, I had a puppy named Lucky. It followed me everywhere I went and seemed interested in most of the activities I did. One of those things was music lessons. Since the dog seemed keen to howl along as I plunked away at the piano, I thought I’d try to get him a little more in tune, kind of to help the neighbors along with their ‘music appreciation’, if you know what I mean.
We started with the classics. I showed Lucky a piece called, “Ah! vous dirai-je, Maman” a set of variations written on a famous French folk tune by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (The song is commonly known today as Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star). “Simple enough”, I thought.
Lucky just sniffed the sheet music and stared at me blankly. I played a few bars to get him started.
Nothing. Not even a whimper.
“OK, so we don’t like Mozart”, I concluded. “Let’s see about Beethoven.”
I took out “Ode to Joy”, the famous theme from Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, a song proven to stir even the most stubborn of souls.
I plinked and plunked as mightily as my eight-year-old fingers could manage.
Lucky layed on the floor, apparently too bored to make any further effort. (I would have a few more students like this later on in my 38-year-teaching career!)
So now Beethoven was crossed off the list. Frustrated, I took out one more sheet of music, “Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring”. This would be my last attempt to get my dog to sing a duet with me.
To my total shock and amazement, Lucky went completely bonkers upon hearing the first few notes. I should have known from the beginning; all the dog wanted to do was Bach (bark)!
Be honest now, did you get sucked into that story or what? My music teaching background makes this totally plausible. I’ve yet to have anyone NOT believe me until the very end. Gotcha!
Laughin’ all the way from Toronto,
Russ
Man! And I wrote tonight about being drunk on summer! I guess you and Russ were in on the festivities!
Too funny, you guys.
Here I am again, just like Arnie always says, “I’ll be BARK”.
Oh my, methinks we are all going to the dogs!
All the best from Toronto,
Russ
P.S. Since my wife Maggie grew up in Hong Kong and her first language is Cantonese, I’ve learned to explain many of my references as she doesn’t always get what I’m talking about. So here goes:
Arnie refers to none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Even Maggie has heard of him)
I’ll be BARK… (don’t laugh, that’s the way Arnie sounds when he delivers his famous line in The Terminator, “I’ll be back”. Maggie also heard of the ‘Terminator’, since she is a big fan of action movies)
As for the phrase, “Going to the dogs”, it means degenerating and going to ruin.
Well, two out of three ain’t bad as they say! I know you were all rooting for Maggie to get a perfect 3 out of 3, but you’d be ‘barking up the wrong tree!’
Of course, Maggie reads all my stuff; even comments I post to other blogs and forums because she KNOWS she is my main prop for my warped sense of humor. I used to worry that she’d get upset with me until I realized that she is like a toothless tree.
“Toothless tree, Russy?”, I hear you ask. “That’s a new one. What’s a toothless tree?”
Oh, my friends, you are going to be SO SORRY you asked.
A toothless tree is one that is all BARK and no BITE!
I think I should stop here before I get banned from this blog! I imagine Arnie would tell me to just ‘Bark Off’!