Ever do a stream-of-consciousness examination of your life? Ever look deeply into your own mental state – other than when you’re depressed – and come away with an impersonal grasp of what your life has been about so far?

We’re not talking about navel gazing here, nor narcissistic self-congratulation. It’s more of a detached, non-involved evaluation of someone’s life. It happens to be your life, but we’re looking at it as if it were that of another person, someone you’ve never even met.

True detachment from one’s own life (and self interest) is rare. In this week’s article by Colin Jarvis, he takes us on a brief, impersonal tour through his own life as he asks…

Success? Am I successful?

By Colin Jarvis

But am I successful?

I have three houses, four cars, three motorcycles, goodness knows how many computers, some of the best hi-fi systems in the world and retired I when I was 55.

I gain great pleasure from the large workshop I have built. It is so big some of my friends call it a factory; there I can make furniture to my heart’s content.

More important than any of that, after many, many relationships, I finally have a life partner who is utterly wonderful and I have inherited three children only one of which, an early teenager, gives me any cause for concern.

I have also raised over £3 million for good causes, been a director or trustee of many charities, and director and major shareholder of several substantial organisations. I have sailed large boats throughout Europe, climbed some wonderful mountains, produced two shows in the West End of London, appeared, fairly frequently, on radio and television and once got my golf handicap down to 12. I have won major awards for my professional work, won prizes for my photographs, played drums in some pretty successful jazz bands and had articles published in “The Nation”, “The Times” and many other publications.

But Am I successful?

The obvious question is, successful compared to what? I don’t feel particularly successful. I hope I don’t go around expecting people to show me any particular respect. I am just me and I have done what I have done.

When I look back at that list I have just put down I think I must have been reasonably successful. I had no inherited money or business to start me off, and there have been several times in my life when I was extremely poor, but I survived.

However, thinking about this, I feel that the question of “Compared to what?” is vital to answering the question.

Initially I realised there are two possible measures. How does one measure up to one’s ambition and how does one measure up to one’s potential?

You may find this hard to believe but I have never really had any ambition. I have just done those things that I found interesting and challenging. My father once said to me, “If you cannot decide which of two or more things to do, choose the most difficult as you will learn the most from it”. I think that is a pretty good piece of advice.

Since I have never really had any ambition, it is impossible for me to judge whether or not I have succeeded in my ambition.

All levels of society have both happy and unhappy people.

What about potential? I am very self-critical and try to learn something new every day from my very poor performance and try to improve it. I am absolutely certain I could have achieved a great deal more for myself and for the world at large. Therefore, if I use potential as a yardstick, then I’m very definitely not a success.

Having looked at these two measures I’m not really sure whether they are valid. Self-critical people will always consider themselves failures, and people who are not self-critical will probably consider themselves to be great successes.

Success is probably an accolade that only others can bestow. So let’s ask another question, does it matter whether we are “successful” or not?

As I write this I am beginning to think that it does not matter. Perhaps what we should be caring about is not success but happiness, or something akin to that.

I don’t think happiness is the right thing to seek. Happiness is simply the opposite of unhappiness and during life we will experience both ends of the spectrum to some degree or other.

In my travels throughout the world I have seen people living in the most appalling conditions and I have also met people living at the highest levels. At all levels of society there are both happy and unhappy people. Happiness seems to be something that people either are or are not.

Some years ago I decided that happiness was something one could just decide to be. In the same way I also realised I could consider myself lucky or unlucky. I chose to think of myself as being both lucky and happy, and I’m pretty certain that that attitude of mind has enabled me to be both.

So what is this elusive thing we could try to use to decide whether our lives have been successful?

Worthwhile? No!

Satisfying? No!

What then? How about contentment?

If one is content it implies that one has achieved what one wished to achieve and it also implies that one is feeling reasonably secure about the future. This feeling of security about the future suddenly leaps off the page at me as being something worth exploring.

Let us take a little sidetrack and look at this in a little more detail. Feeling secure about the future does not mean that one believes one can see the future and that it will pan out in the way we expect. If one does feel secure on this basis then one is likely to be disappointed.

Surely this confidence is founded in the ability to cope with the future. This comes from experience and a willingness to be flexible and able to take on whatever challenges one might be faced with. It is not so much the getting rid of uncertainty but rather the confidence that one can cope with whatever happens.

Let us go back to contentment. If you visualise contentment, the kind of picture that springs to mind is sitting under a tree on a summer’s day, looking out across a beautiful scene. The body and mind are peaceful. There is tranquility in the air. It is a state, almost, of meditation.

It is in this tranquil state of mind that one is most aware of what is going on around oneself. It is in this state of mind that one can see opportunities and dangers that are not apparent to other people who are dashing around, achieving. One is – or feels – healthier. There is no internal turmoil.

So perhaps I should ask whether I am content. All I know is, I am mostly content and enjoy this journey called life. Am I truly content? Well that’s another question.

What about you?

Colin Jarvis works with organizations in South-east Asia, the UK and Europe to boost effectiveness through clearer communication. Basically his consultancy encourages people to think for themselves, to have the confidence to do so, and to help them access a good range of values they can live by. But you can’t always come out and tell your clients this, so everything is sold as business efficiency and effectiveness packages.

Back to Charles:
So what about you? Do you experience a measure of tranquility when you think of your circumstances? Or a bit of contentment?

Or are you constantly spinning your mental wheels, obsessing over all the unwanted things that might happen (or are happening)? And how long has it been since you sat yourself down, got quiet, and looked squarely at the conditions of your life without flinching?

This can be a very beneficial thing, and the easy way to do it is to mentally step away from all involvement with your self, with your dramas, and your needs, wants and cravings.

Try looking at yourself the same way you’d look at a random person down the street, or someone who works in an office ten blocks away. Try gaining that same emotional distance from your own life.

The first time I did this, it was accidental, and it impacted me very powerfully.

My life was a tangle back then, and one day while meditating, I happened to be thinking about something that had happened down the street from my apartment. In the midst of that, I turned and mentally looked back at myself, sitting in my chair two blocks away. At that point, I saw myself clearly and suddenly realized that if I were the guy next door, I’d think he was a major excuse-maker, a muck-up who really needed to get his act together.

Please understand – this was a totally unemotional, detached realization. Just a crystal-clear awareness of how the facts added up. There was no element of self-recrimination, nor guilt, nor anything negative. Just a clear, plain and factual knowing. It felt the same way it would if I had looked at the messed-up kid next door and understood more about his problems than he could.

And compassion. Without the buffering armor of self-justification, I felt no need to defend against all that clarity about myself.

I was aware of two things vividly. First, I could see the patterns I’d been running that were bringing me discomfort. And second, I knew there was absolutely no need to criticize myself.

For perhaps the first time ever I felt neither shame nor defensiveness about who I was and how I was living my life. I knew things needed to be changed, but I also understood fairly well what those things were and how to change them.

That’s peace. It’s confidence. And it’s contentment of a sort because this new awareness is not threatening. This is a safe place to be.

And the more often you can get there, the more manageable your life is going to feel.

Cheers from warm and smiling Thailand,
Charles

Related Posts:

1. Success – 9 Common Wrong Turns
2. Success – a Story that Opens Minds
3. BullsEye Club – The Seven Skills of Success
4. 16 Simple Habits that Equal Success
5. Masterminding: the Biggest Success Secret – Part 2
6. Masterminding: the Biggest Success Secret – Part 1